Posted in Daily Prompt, Parenting, Thoughts, What happened?

Numb

I’ve been dealing with the struggles inside my heart and my brain.

After so long being fatherless, months ago, he showed up. Well, we haven’t met in person, but he showed up to my mom. She did call me to meet up with him, but I refused. Not for holding a grudge against him, but I didn’t feel the necessity of meeting him. Not after all this time. And my brain immediately sense something was wrong.

He and Mom divorced looooooooong time ago when I was 2yo. Mom still took me to see him once in a while, even was staying near his house (he was living with his new wife and children). Maybe mom was thinking that it’s better for me to still be near my father. But being so closed to his house didn’t make any intimacy.

I have very little memories of my childhood. Very little. It’s like cuts here and there. But I do remember, till now, the part where I was having a dengue. My mom found me bleeding on the bed in the middle of the night. Found some blood in the bathroom (I puked blood). I bled through my nose, ears, mouth, and I puked blood.

I remember Mom carried me across the street, knocked his front door, asked him to help her took me to hospital. She handed me to him. He carried me and we’re waiting for some kind of transportation to get to me to hospital. Then I puked blood again on his jacket. He looked disgusted. Not worried. Disgusted. He handed me to mom and said he’ll get home and asked my mom to take me to hospital by herself.

Mom panicked. Now that I have my own children, I understand her feeling. She wouldn’t asked for his help if she’s stronger enough to face the possibilities of what would’ve happened to me. I could only imagine of her thinking that she could be dealing with a dead daughter in the next 5 minutes. She would want someone to be by her side when it happened. She chosen my father. Yet, he refused.

Long story short, I was in hospital for weeks and never once he came to visit me. Not as I remember. Thank God, mom didn’t have to deal with funeral. And life goes on. She still took me to see him once in a while. We still met at some family (his side) occasions.

In all those times we met, never once he mentioned about bringing me into his life. We were just having casual conversation, awkwardly. Saying hi and bye in such short amount of time. Never once that we had any father daughter moments. Never.

And now, he wanted to enter my life. Messaging me and never once I replied. From saying dreamy words about father and daughter relationship, his love for me, then blaming mom for separating me and him, saying that it’s not his idea for a divorce, then cursing mom, cursing me, blessing me, cursing my children, cursing my family, blessing my children, and on and on and on.

He kept saying that I misjudged him for being a miserable man begging me to take him. That he’s not asking any favors from me, he just wants to see me and being a part of my family, being a grandfather to my children. But I know better. I don’t judge him. But I know better.

Then… The revelation!

He messaged me that he is homeless now. No longer staying with his (I lost count) wife and children, coz they threw him out. Still I don’t give any response. He started cursing me again. No surprise. Not once he says sorry for what he did to me. Not once he feels sorry for not being there in my life. Not once. He kept blaming others. Blaming me for his miserable life.

What did I do wrong? I wasn’t even in his life, what wrong could I do to him? Financially, he wasn’t helping at all. Yes he was obligated to support me, he was a police officer, so there are rules for it. But it was tiny support. If my mom didn’t work hard, we would barely have food, let alone paying for my school tuitions, and college.

So yeah… I was fatherless. Am still fatherless.

Now he’s screaming to me that he’s my FATHER. That without him, I wouldn’t have even exist in this world. Oh wow! How a man can easily call himself a father over sperms. Pardon my language.

Being a mother myself, teach me what the word MOTHER means. It’s not only about the womb that carries a baby, not only about giving birth, not only about nauseousness of the pregnancy, not only about the boobs to breastfeed your babies. It’s about raising them. It’s all about the love and sacrifices for your children. It’s about putting yourself last. It’s no longer about you, it’s all about the children. Everything else comes last.

Don’t I forgive him? I do. I don’t have any particular hate feelings for him. I don’t think about payback. I pity him for being in this situation. I don’t keep a grudge against him. I just don’t have the feeling. The daughter feelings. The love. I feel numb for him.

When you don’t feel a thing, how can you response?

I know that God ask us to love our enemies.

But how I love him when he’s not an enemy? He’s no one. Well, other than the sperm part. He’s nobody.

But I don’t try to hurt him by not responding. I do pray for him. Not a specific pray, but I pray for the best. I do bless him by not cursing him. You can say I don’t do what I preach. But do so, what pleases you, I won’t judge you.

I don’t blame him for leaving me fatherless. Yes, it shaped my mentality out off course. I did make some stupid decisions and foolish mistakes. But who doesn’t? Even if you have a father or not, children makes mistakes. So, I don’t blame him.

Yes, it shaped my character. But who I am now is not the product of perfection nor brokenness. Who I am is my responsibility. I wouldn’t blame my parents for my misbehave and crimes. I’m a product of my choices. I take all responsibilities over my life. My good and bad. My mistakes and achievements. I am who I choose to be.

Of course as a parent, I have the responsibility to take care of my children. To take them to the right path. To give what’s best for them. But I don’t control their life. Once they become an adult, it’s their life. They’re choices.

The part of my fatherless life, it’s his choice.

Would I wanted it a different way? I don’t know. It’s been done. We’ll see what the future will brings. I don’t control the universe.

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Posted in Adulting, Christianity, Daily Prompt, Parenting, Thoughts

Be Prepared!

Gardening really open my eyes on waiting. Some plants died on me, some are taking too long to bear fruits, some are confusing.

Gardening is just like me planting hopes. Hoping that from nothing, it come out something. Sometimes I don’t plant seeds but I regrowth. I plant from used vegetables, hoping for it to still come out useful.

I’m a strong believer that my every step is ordered by God. It’s not that I don’t have a choice, but I need to take every single steps in God’s direction, or I’ll be lost and have to start all over again.

My life is about preparation. I prepared myself for college since primary school. I knew what I wanted, so I worked hard on it. I knew that I wanted to take English for college not because I had the highest score in school but because I love English so I became the only student with the highest English grade in school.

I tried to pursue my passion in highschool but the circumstances were not supportive. But the fire was still burning, even after 3 years in primary and 3 years in highschool, I finally gotten into University taking English Literature.

I got what I wanted and I didn’t stop there. Even after college, I pursue my career with the same faith and the same strong attitude. My career wasn’t built in coincidences. Working in a bank, in oil field company, in a hotel, being a secretary, an office manager, was not a coincidence. Didn’t have anything to do with luck.

God had all lined up for me. Every single steps, every single person I met, every opportunities, God planned all for me.

All I had to do was preparing myself to be ready for His plans. I disciplined myself, I built my character, I trained my faith, I shaped my mentality. Not that I was in any kind of a perfect human that God granted me His blessings, but because I was prepared.

I didn’t have anybody to look up to. I didn’t have a role model. I was so far drowned in my mental sickness. I didn’t ‘know’ God. I went to church but I didn’t understand God. I started all of my self-gratification out of disappoinments.

But God didn’t leave me. I may not understood, but I know deep inside that God loves me. He will take me to where I belong. Yes, I did make foolish mistakes and stupid decisions, but still He didn’t leave me. I survived the chaotic chapter of my life and became a discipline, strong-willed, faithful girl in the middle of nowhere, fighting and living alone far away from any of my relatives.

I know how important it is to be prepared. I know how important discipline, good characters, having faith in God, to our life. Any life. That’s why I’m so determined to teach the children to be prepared. I have the responsibility to prepare them. To nurture their seeds. I need to prepare them for what God has planned for them.

Yes it is soooooooo hard to do it alone. When you’re not in the same page with your spouse, the learning process seems to be harder and harder, every single day.

One need to realize how important self-discipline and strong characters are for one’s life, and really need to actually implement it in their life, to be able to teach one.

If God wanted to take you to a higher level, it’s going to require more character, more discipline, and more commitment. A good father may have a good gift for their children, but he won’t give it at the wrong time. If you’re not ready, he’ll withhold it. Coz a gift wouldn’t be a blessing if you’re not prepared for it.

I have a plan to give a phone for my teenage boy, he has been begging for a very long time, but I won’t give it to him yet. I need to prepare him for it. I wouldn’t want him to lost control in using internet, watching what he’s not supposed to be watching, talking what he’s not supposed to be talking, doing what he’s not supposed to be doing. He needs to prepare himself and be a responsible person before he can handle a phone. He needs to know what it means to be responsible. He could’ve left the phone somewhere and lose it, coz he doesn’t understand how to value something he own.

Seems like a very frustrating process just to own a phone right? Maybe yes, maybe not. But I love him too much to let him lost in his wants without preparing him to be ready for when he got what he wants. Coz if I do, I’ll be the one to blame for his misbehave and bad mentality.

It is just like us. We feel that what we’ve been praying seems not getting any closer but giving us more headache and frustration, going through too many sadness and troubles. You know what, we’re not the only who’s waiting. God is waiting for us to get ready. We will have to wait, be patience, keep doing the right thing, keep growing, keep being good to people, keep building our character, and strengthen our faith.

Our time is coming. Prepare ourselves. You can’t expect anything good happen when you’re idling around like some brainless zombies. How anyone would have anything to do with you and give you any opportunities, when you’re not even nice to other people? Why anybody helps you when you don’t even bother to help them when they’re in need?

Don’t wait to be good when you’re in good situation. Don’t wait on having a job to get up early. Don’t wait on having money to be smart in handling money. Don’t wait till anything good happen for you to be good.

Be good, be prepared, be disciplined, NOW!

Show God that we’re ready for Him to fulfilled His promises!

Posted in Daily Prompt, Parenting, Thoughts

Flip Flop

This is the situation of the boy’s cupboard. At the top shelf is Abe’s, the bottom is Al’s.

This is the boy’s desk. The left side is Al’s, the right side is Abe’s.

The boys put away their own clothes and organize their own books. Look at the difference πŸ€”

Abe is more organized. Al is… 😌

2 boys from the same parents, from one womb, yet different characters.

This is why I can’t implement the same parenting to both boys. I need to be more intense on building Al’s character, which is why Abe is having the thought of me giving less attention on him.

On the other hand, Abe is a teenager now, he obviously needs me more on the adulting stuff, which make Al thinks that I put less time on him.

Gosh… There are no such thing as being fair when you’re parenting.

Two souls, two characters, two minds, two hearts, one mom 😨

Posted in Daily Prompt, Thoughts, What happened?

My First 50!

Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you 😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘

This could be tiny for you, but to me… It HUGE!!!

Yes numbers is not my main goal for my blogging, but still… Seeing those numbers getting higher each times, brings out the fire in me.

I do sometimes breaking my rules of consistency by not posting every day, but I don’t want blogging become a burden. I want it as original and as authentic as me sharing my life with you.

I want it to be as useful and give values to my readers and followers. I don’t want to copy paste someone else’s blog just for numbers.

It is who I am… Presented to you my first 50 😘 Thank you πŸ’ž

Posted in Adulting, Christianity, Daily Prompt, Thoughts

I Don’t Swear!

I lose respect for those mouths who’s enjoying a lot of Christian faith base languages but don’t have actions to back it up.

Those mouths are so holy and so full of god that they forget to actually be a Christian.

How often do we get into arguments about theology of tattoos but yet completely forget to be loving and humble and gracious in that conversations?

We get so caught up in the details of our Christianity that we missed the big picture. GOD.

For years, I’ve seen people in my life wrapping themselves in Christianity, doing all kind of ‘Christianity routines’, using Christianity dictionary, swearing as Christian, knowing all the Christian songs, going to churches, all Christian things. But, they missed GOD.

They are so blinded by their own images that they forgot about God’s image.

We might knows all Bible’s chapters and verses, goes to church every Sunday, goes to Bible classes, serves at a church, saying all the righteous words, but do we use our knowledge on God, our earthly influence to invite people into God’s family or do we use it to shut them out?

People would certainly staying away from hypocrites rather than sit close to them, coz we can say we’re going to do something and we can sound righteous, but never actually do it. Hypocrites.

We can see on TV, all over the news, how hatred consumes our lives, in the name of God. How killing other people becoming the word of God. How persecution has become the proof of obedience. How religion has becoming more important than God itself.

The details of our faith are important but they should never come at the cost of the big picture. GOD.

Let’s sit down and have a good look at ourselves and answer these questions.

  1. Is our faith inclusive or exclusive?
  2. Do our faith point people towards God or towards ourselves?
  3. Are our integrity proven by actions or simply words?
  4. Are we caught up in the minutia, that we’re neglecting the basics of faith?
  5. Are we what we swore we would never become?

I’m a strong believer that if we want to change this broken world we live in, we should start from ourselves.

Start doing the right thing rather than waiting for others to do it right. This world is never just a black and white canvas, there’s always other colors in it. Will we make the best out of the messy colors? Or will we ignore and add more mess?

Posted in Adulting, Daily Prompt, How To, Parenting, Thoughts, Writings

Labeling

Practice makes perfect. Sometimes we punished ourselves for making mistakes.

Labeling ourselves for being not talented, stupid, mean, evil, criminals, sinners, lazy, unorganized, etc.

Why don’t we label ourselves with highly talented, smart, creative, kind, helpful, anointed, hard worker, etc.

We are what we continuously do. Our habit defines who we are. Doing something then making mistakes doesn’t mean that you have to stop trying.

I’m a strong believer that nothing is impossible as long as we want to try and don’t stop trying.

Find knowledge from everywhere, everyone, using every tool you have. Life is a learning process.

Don’t close yourself up thinking that you’re old or a genius or expert or whatever makes you feel so great about yourself that you don’t need anymore and anything from someone else.

We can ALWAYS get something from someone else. Make friends, socialize, talk to everybody, don’t look down on people, they may take you somewhere else you never know you’re capable of doing.

My son is 12 yo. He has been learning to play drum since he was 9 yo. Often times he asked to quit learning. I never forced him to do anything. I always give him choices.

Taekwondo, guitar class, Mandarin, soccer, badminton, drum, etc. After times, now only drum and soccer. He asked to join each of those classes, I took him and paid for each classes. But everytime he made mistakes, he wanted to quit for being “it’s not my thing”, “I’m not talented”, “I don’t want it anymore”, etc.

Well… He asked to join, ok. He asked to quit, ok. BUT… Before he quit, I’ll sit with him, review everything that he has been learning, spent time for, looking at it from every angle possible.

“There’s no such thing as you can’t. YOU ALWAYS CAN! ALWAYS! As long as you don’t quit trying”.

End of story, drum and soccer. Ok boy… YOU CAN DO IT!

Posted in Beauty, Daily Prompt, Product Review, Unboxing

16 Years With Tull Jye – Product Review

Yes, 16 years!

I bought my first at Top 100 supermarket in Batam, 16 years ago.

I don’t need to tell you how I love this product. 16 years… I looooooooooooove it!

I used to also use the night cream, but I don’t like it as much as I love the day cream.

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It doesn’t smell good. I did use it just when I feel that my skin needs some kind of brightener. It works like magic, coz in the morning, your skin kinda glow and feel more supple, look healthier and fairer. It’s like a very long time ago since I used the night cream.

I tried to use the face soap (long time ago), but didn’t go well either.

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It made my skin very dry. Never try again.

Not gonna talk more about those products. I tried and didn’t go well and I have no capacity of talking more about it since I’m not using them anymore.

So, let’s just focus on what works for me. The day cream.

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Their packaging has been always changing over the past 16 years. I think its more of a precaution of a fake product.

I did once buy a fake one and I had the worst breakout. It was so bad that I had to stop any kind of face products. I was working in a hotel industry and wearing no makeup was a disaster.

How did I got better? By applying Tull Jye night cream. The night cream is a truly miracle for skin problem. If you have a breakout and acne problem, try them. For first timer, you can buy a package of day and night cream. Its smaller than the individual product.

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Tull Jye have 2 skin types of products. I use the green one. Its for sensitive skin and great for oily skin like mine.

Let’s take a look what’s inside.

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Make sure that its sealed.

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It’s also sealed inside

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Can you the oil? It’s fine. Its how it is.

I did stop using it during my pregnancies. For a whole year. And I didn’t have any skin problem while I wasn’t using it.

People said, some skin product can make your skin addicted to it. When you’re not using it, it’ll caused you a skin problem. Well, I didn’t have any problem during my absence and I didn’t have any problem when I started using it again.

It makes my skin glow and healthy. I did try so many (too many) other products and I keep going back to it.

I don’t think I ever stop using it. Unless they close shop.

Enough with the goodness, you’ll think that I’m making it up πŸ˜‚ There’s something I dislike about this product. My face will have a lot of blackheads, well not black though, it’s whiteheads (I guess, if there’s such thing). But I learn how to befriend with it this whole years of us being together 😁

It maybe different with your skin, but to me it is. That’s the ONLY thing about this product that I dislike.

If you’re looking for a skin care product. Try it. Buy the set package coz its smaller and cheaper than the individual product, try for a couple of days. But… Please do your research and only buy the original product. You can look at their products here and order or you can contact them for the nearest shop for you to buy.

It’s not sponsored by Tull Jye in any means. I’m just a satisfied user and I share it coz I love it. Please remember that every skin can react differently to any products, there’s a possibility that it doesn’t suit your skin, but there’s also a chance for it to work on your skin.

The point is, you can’t say yes or no, before you try it yourself.

If you have any question or wanting any more details on my experience or you yourself have any experience with it, please leave a comment below.

Thanks for joining me and please hit the ‘follow’ button if you haven’t already. I’d love to have you in my blog family πŸ™‚

Posted in Daily Prompt, Day In The Life, How To, Thoughts, What happened?

A Bummer!

Soooooooooo…

I just spent more than IDR100k to buy my domain with GoDaddy. Soooooo excited that I finally have the courage (and money) to buy a domain for my blog. Felt like I finally grow up. Finally making the commitment.

Then…

When I tried to map out my domain to WordPress, I need to pay more, this I just found out. I thought I only need to pay for the domain. End of story.

But…

It turns out, on 2017, I can’t just pay for mapping out my domain to WordPress for $13 (which I wasn’t prepared for), I need to upgrade to premium for $99 (whaaaaaaaaat???).

Gosh! What a bummer!

If I have the money, it’s a no brainer. I love writing and I love my blog. Its my baby. But, it seems that I can’t fund college for my baby right now, need more time.

What do I need to do next?

I can pay $99 (IDR1.3m) for a year with WordPress or I can pay GoDaddy to manage my hosting in WordPress for IDR1.8m ($135) for 3 years. As you can see, GoDaddy is way cheaper.

Patience…

Yes, I’ll be patience. I’ll keep nurturing my baby with what I have for now. Gotta always do best with what you have right?

 

Posted in Adulting, Christianity, Daily Prompt, Thoughts, Writings

Peace

A person who is led by the spirit towards Christ will not only experience the feeling of peace, but will begin to live in the reality of peace.

It’s important to train our mind to stay positive so that we don’t get anxious so easily. Fear and worry threatening us every single day, but when we have faith that God owns it all, we will live in peace knowing that we’re in God’s hands.

Nothing happens without His permission and that everything is planned in such ways for God to fulfill His promises in our lives.

Peace is the evidence of the spirit’s revelation of Christ. Both in our hearts and in our lives.

Posted in cleaning, Daily Prompt, Hacks, How To, Organization, What I Do

How to end your day – Evening routines – Clean kitchen

I always end my day with a clean kitchen. I wash my stove top, literally wash it with soap and sponge, getting rid of those sticky oil and splash.

Wash all the dishes. Wash my sink. Wipe clean the fridge with vinegar spray. Wipe clean the dining table and chairs with vinegar spray. Wipe clean the countertop, cabinets (top and bottom), and microwave with vinegar spray. And I sweep the floor.

Everybody in the house seems to no longer mind with the smell of vinegar, coz it really help my kitchen clean and fresh. I have an open kitchen, so flies/cockroaches/rats are easily attracted to it, but thanks to my vinegar spray, I have no problem with them at all.

I make sure tomorrow morning, when I need to prep the boys for school, I don’t get irritated by the messiness of the kitchen. I need to start the day in a right way or I’ll be a nagging old lady the whole day.

What is your evening routines?