Posted in Adulting, Daily Prompt, Thoughts, Writings

The cycle 

There will be time for flowers to bloom. 

There will be time for them to fall. 

And the cycle will continues as long as they live. 

There’s a cycle for us living things on earth. 

We move in a circle of life. 

Some makes you nauseas, some makes you giggle, some makes you overwhelm. 

We are what our action is. 

People can’t see your root yet they judge your tree. 

Our choices set the cycle. 

How do you want your cycle would be? 

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Posted in Adulting, Challenge, Daily Prompt, Parenting, Thoughts, Writings

Breakthrough 

So…

I have this conversation with the moms at the kid’s school. Not even a 5 minutes conversation but it brought me deep.

We were talking about how stiff the teachers are. They’re so stuck in the text book. So whatever the kid’s answers it has to be the exact words with the text books. Text book is their life guidance. Outside of that… Wrong! 

They were talking so passionately on how wrong that is. That education shouldn’t be stuck with the text books coz life doesn’t defined by some text books. I agree with them. Tooooootally! 

Then…

Since I got the impression of they’re having the same vision as I do, I started to tell them about Al’s science exam. There’s one asking the kids to mention 3 plastic products in the bathroom. Al was mentioning Gayung (we Indonesian use some kind of a small bucket to bath, majority of Indonesian bath not shower).

Tooth brush and glass. 

The teacher didn’t give a full score coz apparently glass isn’t in the text book. I messaged the teacher and I took a picture of the kid’s bathroom sink that we always have a glass for each kids for them to brush their teeth. The teacher then give a full score. 

It happens a lot in education in Indonesia. How many times do we take bath in a day? Text book says, 2 times a day. My kids bath 3 times a day. Before school (morning), after school, before bed (evening). How about that? 

And the moms started to talk about Indonesian standard, how things are non negotiable coz we’re Indonesian. When it’s 2 times and it should be 2. And so on and so on. 

Apparently I was wrong thinking that they have the same vision as me. So, they still think text book is mandatory, but when it comes to their kids they should bend it a little but not to other kids. Oh well… 

Yes there’s a standard for everything. But some things or some people don’t go by standard. Text book is a standard or I would say the minimum standard. As long as it doesn’t go below standard or come off far way the lane, I would expect that it should be okay. If the teachers don’t understand the answer then ask the kids and let them explain the reason why they give such answers. Except for math of course, this can also be bend by some geniuses. Not me. So I’m not gonna talk about it.

This is why Indonesian are so ‘slow’ in a way of mental development. We don’t get to reason out with the teachers and have our own answers, our own logics, our own minds. We have to memorize the text books and stick to it, spending hours of hours trying to put those words into our brain without understanding the meaning. Without really knowing what the subject is. 

This is why, after school, we Indonesian tend to follow the line. The same line as of millions of other Indonesian. We are not used to go outside the line. To think outside the box. We don’t get to understand that there are millions of other opportunities outside the line, outside the ordinary, outside the box. Coz we are taught to stay in the box. Where people from other countries are crawling up, eager to reach the top  and take the leap to see what’s on the other side. Living the challenge. 

Indonesian are so scared to let their mind do wonders coz they’re so afraid of being ‘wrong’, to be the outcast. We are taught to stay and aware of our ‘weaknesses’ and do nothing about it, coz that’s what the society expect you to do. Coz that’s what Indonesian do. 

I’m not talking about rebellion. I’m talking about breaking through. 

Indonesian students are so afraid to ask or say an opinion to the teachers if they don’t understand or wanted to express their thought toward something they were learning about. Coz that’s not normal. When you ask, you will look like an idiot. When you try to express a thought, you will be considered rude. There are no two way conversations in the class. 

Look at the most famous man breaking through the ordinary. Shakespeare, Bill Gates, Bach, Picasso, Steve Jobs, Stephen Hawking, etc. They are all breaking the standards. 

And me? I’m Indonesian. I am what I’m talking about. I am soooooooo guilty of not giving my kids to express their thought coz I will take that as a rebellion. They should do what I say, exactly how I wanted them to do, and they shouldn’t say a word. I am fully aware of the molding in my mental and I’m working very hard on it. 

It’s not what I want my kids to be so I need to set myself as an example. They need a model. They need someone to teach them how to break through. How to lead and not follow. To encourage them to face the challenge instead of running away from it. I want them to crawl out. I want them to wonder away from our ‘standard’. 

It is hard. I know. I’ve lived it. How I broke everything my family set me to be. How I run towards the challenge. Coz I set myself above the standard. Aside from what my situation is right now, I stepped outside the box, and it was the best decision of life. 

What you are is what you choose to be. So if you’re in a state of something ‘bad’ it’s purely because of your ‘bad’ decisions. For you to know, it is not permanent. Start making better decisions and you will see that things are going your way. Nothing is too late. 

Posted in Adulting, Budgeting, Challenge, Christianity, Daily Prompt, Thoughts, Writings

You’re an embarrassment!

“You’re an embarrassment!”

Have you ever heard that pointed at you? Me. A million times. Being an Indonesian, I need to look ‘perfect’. I don’t talk about my difficulties, my sadness, my problems, my insecurities, my honesty. As long as they’re bad, I’m not allowed to talk about it. That triggered me to suicide long time ago. 

I need to look good all the time so I won’t be an embarrassment. I need to put on weight or people will think that my parents don’t feed me enough. I need to put on good clothes or people will think that my parents can’t afford to buy me clothes. I need to be like this or like that, so I don’t embarrass my family. 

I like to share. My happiness or even my sorrow. People have no problem with you sharing your new car, your big house, your new expensive phone, as long as it makes you look good. Maybe that’s why most of the people spend more money to look good when they’re actually is broke. 

But then they’ll look at you like **** (whatever) when you share that you’re broke. They started to talk about you. How you’re such an embarrassment for telling people about your problems. Being honest is now an embarrassment. I see. 

I know that some my (Indonesian) friends are stalking on my Instagram account. They have their pride for not following my account but yet they stalk on me. Hello there! 

I am now challenging myself on a very little budget on food this month. And I’m sharing my journey with the world. And I know they’re now talking about me. Am I an embarrassment? I don’t think so. 

Why the heck do I want to share my embarrassing life? You know what… I’m not the only one who’s struggling financially. If at least I can help 1 person anywhere in the world, to tell them that they’re not fighting alone, that they have to keep the spirit high and not being defeated by they’re lacking, I’m happy. 

Sometimes feeling lonely can really bring you down. It actually not as bad as they thought if they can talk to someone else that can give them a better view of any chaos they are in right now. Sometimes we need someone else to tell us that we are okay. That there’s hope in anything. 

This is what I am into with whatever I am sharing with you now. Not to embarrass anybody. Not to embarrass my family. Not embarrass myself. This is me telling you, that we can work it out. That our situation right now is not permanent. This is just another level of our life that we have to get through. And we have to get through so that we know there’s a brighter future ahead of us. We can’t stop here. We have to move on with whatever left in us. 

Me having so little money to feed my kids may have made you grateful coz you’re having more than me. It makes you feel good that you’re not bad at all. Or maybe you’re like me, so let’s walk the journey together. Let’s make it work. 

If then me or you have some extra money to add on the budget, that’s great. That’s the proof of God’s promise that He will provide. And we can share the good news to the world. That God is a loving Father that WILL NOT leave His children abandoned. God can give you anything you need. Let alone your daily meal. 

So am I an embarrassment? I think not. You may have a different say about me but I’m sharing God’s greatness to the world that even in my lacking, God is loving me. God is taking care of me. That I am doing this as me presenting my gratitude to Him for providing my needs. 

And He will provide you too. 

Posted in Adulting, Christianity, Daily Prompt, Thoughts, Writings

Stumbling 

There will be time when we’re in the darkness. Stuck. Nowhere to go. Afraid to move coz we can’t see anything. Scared of the possibilities. What if we fall deeper? What if we hurt ourselves? What if no one see us? What if no one help us? 

No matter how hard I’ve tried to stay as positive as I can. To hold on so tight to my faith. To keep reminding myself to stay grateful in whatever circumstances that I’m in. I too fall into the darkness sometimes. 

The times when I can’t seem to see any good in anything that I’ve been working on. Times when I feel overwhelmed and so tired to keep this going on any longer. Times when I just want to give up everything. Times when I no longer have the strength to move on. 

Everyday I try to keep myself focus. Focusing on what’s important. To keep moving. To keep my mind busy. So I will forget every problem that I’m in. I force my brain to work overtime, anytime, every time. Hoping that I’ll skip the dark and stay in the light. But there’s no day without the night. There’s no light without the dark. 

God never promise a rainbow without a storm. A life without a problem. I have to suck it all in, breath, adjust my eyes so I can see in the dark. I can’t run without falling, I can’t walk without taking a step. Walking in the dark is taking all my faith in God’s hands. 

I have to be patient. Taking every step. Trying to take “Walk by faith and not by sight” literally. I do feel some scratches on my skin for stumbling into the wall. I fell on my knees coz some rocks on my toes. I sweat and hardly breath. Have you ever try to breath in the darkness? Hard. It’s like you forget how to breath. The darkness suffocate you. 

In the darkness you feel lonely. But you can hear voices. The voices of all other people in the darkness with you. Would it help when we know that we’re not alone even of we can’t see them? I would say, yes. It scares me a little more but somehow it soothes me. It tells me that I’m not the only one struggling a way out of this darkness. It gives me hope that if we’re together in this, somehow we’ll make it through. 

What can they possibly do when they themselves are scared as hell like me? Well, at least we can talk. We can strengthen each other. Giving hope. I don’t know. But it seems nice. Not alone in the dark is a nice feeling. Right? 

It’s not that I wish for other people to jump in the dark and feel my struggle. But anyhow, we’re all struggle a different fight. When you feel overwhelmed and like crying the hell out of you, a nice feeling is all you need. 

Desperate likely said? Say whatever you want, we’re all in our own darkness. 

After sometimes struggling, scratching, crawling, you’ll come to your senses. Nothing will ever happened to you without His permission. Your scratches, your bleeding hearts, your painful legs, your numb brains, coz He wants you to come to Him. HIM ONLY. 

Search into Him. Find His words. He will guide you to the light. HIM ONLY IS ABLE TO DO THAT. It is a matter of time. It is only after He search deep into you that He’ll bring you up into the light. 

Look at ourselves. Please look deep. Coz what’s on the outside, He care less. Deep inside He will look. 

Posted in Adulting, Christianity, Daily Prompt, Thoughts, Writings

God’s Got This!

This morning is a gloomy day. The sky is dark and I was sundrying my laundry.

When I came back from sending the kids to school, mom asked me to take care of the laundry, move it somewhere else coz it’s going to rain. I said, it’s fine, it won’t rain.

I made my coffee and started Bible journaling. Then my mom called me again (about an hour or so), “It’s going to rain. Move the laundry!”. I stopped writing and looked out the window, it’s drizzling, very thin. I told my mom to not worry, it’s not going to rain. Then she got upset.

It’s windy and I can see the sun is peeping behind those dark clouds. I’m not a weather expertise, but I can see that it’s not going to rain.

My mom gets easily upset over anything. Even the smallest thing. Well, for me it was small but obviously it’s huge to her.

This happens to me sometimes, worrying too much about something, spending my energy and emotion over some little things. Without the understanding of what’s really going on, I got upset and worried.

As I got older, I realized that worrying about something I don’t really understand get in the way of my happiness. What is the result of being upset about something? I got anxious, discouraged, lost focus, not able to do anything right. Nothing is good about it. And it made me tired.

A lot of things happen without us understanding what was going on. Why this and that happens to us? What have I done wrong? What to eat? What to wear? How to pay the bills?

When I was living alone, away from my family, single, literally alone. I didn’t have all those feeling. The worrying, the upset, the anxiety, I had none of those and I was not really into church. Yet I was not worry at all about my life. I have full faith. A thousand percent faith that God was taking care of me. My life was just flowing and I enjoyed every bit of my success career.

Then I got married, have kids, and my mind was overwhelmed by all of “What if” moments. What if my baby got choked over a spinach? What if I can’t feed my kids? What if my marriage doesn’t work? What if I got divorce? What if… What if… What if…

I started to overthink everything, anything. We argued alot. We still do, but which couple don’t? I was fighting over my principle, defending myself, trying to prove that I was right. And obviously, my hub was thinking the same.

Different upbringing, different brain, different mindset, different personalities, living together trying to work things out, and it’s haaaaaaaaard.

It’s hard trying to stay focus on your blessings when people around you are giving all the negative attitude and messing with your mind. And it’s even harder when you’re attached to them for life hahahaha

Overtime, I grow up. I switch my thinking and change my perspective. I can not fight every battle. I can not keep trying to defend myself and proof that I am right. I just need to let go and let God.

Some of the battles got allowed in your life are not just about you. Sometimes it’s to make a statement to the people around you. You don’t have to argue, don’t need to proof anything, God will show them what they need to see. In His time. In His way.

When I change my attitude towards problem, I live in peace. When I know that nothing can happen without His permission, amazing things happen.

You’ll know when I’m trying to let go by seeing my reaction towards something. I am a chatty person. I love to talk. I can talk about anything for hours. But when I turn cold and speak less towards someone or something, that means I’m backing off. I put my hands off that thing and I’m letting God works on it.

It’s just not worth my time, not worth my peace, not worth my energy, to fight over something. It’ll just get me worked up and distracting me over some things that are more important.

When you’re facing some problems that seem to have a never ending process in your life. Bad finances, health issues, poor choices, or anything negative. Change your perspective. God controls the universe. Be still and know that He is God.

Posted in Adulting, Christianity, Daily Prompt, Thoughts, Writings

A Son Mentality

How many times we’ve been so caught up in our problems, thinking that we’re so unfortunate. Troubles seem to keep up with us. One thing after another.

Then we started thinking that God is leaving us. Coz we’ve done so many mistakes, made so many poor choices, like there’s nothing we can do that can make God happy with us.

There’s nothing we can do to turn the table around. Nothing goes your way. Nothing seems to be working fine. And we are stuck in our place. Forced to take what’s there for us.

Then you stop trying. Coz you think, this is where you belong. This poverty, this weaknesses, this addictions, this sicknesses, this limitations, all those things coz you deserve it.

I was all those things. I thought I was ugly, dumb, sick brainless little girl, thinking that I don’t deserve any goodness in my life coz I’ve been a rejected girl since the day my mom conceived me in her womb.

All those thinking put me in the slavery. I was a slave to my own thinking. I didn’t know God. I didn’t know that I am the daughter of most highest Father in heaven.

I turned myself to pills to help me sleep. Trying to shut down my whirling brain even just for a couple hours. I poured my heart to some shrink. Thinking that they could help me. Till the day I was having the thought of ending my own life.

That day, I made the choice to stop being a slave. I still didn’t know God. Yes I went to church, just because. But there’s something in me that brought me to some rebellion thought that I don’t want to be a part of my broken family.

I left my family. Living my own life. Having my own decisions. Alone. Struggling. And that was the best decision I’ve ever made in my life. I found myself wasn’t a slave. I am a smart pretty young girl that can do whatever I wanted to do. Be whatever I wanted to be.

Now that I know God, I become a stronger person, knowing that I deserve all the blessings and I inherited my Father’s treasures. No matter what I do wrong, as long as I come back to Him, He will still accept me for who I am.

I hate hate hate the slave mentality. I don’t like seeing others having the slave mentality. Thinking that they can only do what they do. Thinking that they are full of limitations. Thinking that they are lacking.

I hate people weeps at their troubles yet not doing anything to solve anything. “I don’t know what else I should do! I’m stuck! I’m hopeless!”.

You will be stuck and hopeless if you don’t do your part. You can’t get any good results on your health if you keep eating garbage. You can’t expect abundance if you don’t go out to work. You can’t see any opportunities if you limit yourself inside the house, meeting no one. You can’t have growth if you don’t do anything to nurture your seeds.

I am a strong believer that we can do ANYTHING. ANYTHING WE WANT TO DO. ANYTHING WE WANT TO BE.

Do you have the thinking that you are limited that you can not do certain things? That’s a slave mentality.

Stop pitying yourself. Stop weeping at your disadvantage. Start claiming for your inheritance. We are the son of God. We have everything we need to achieve everything we are destined to be.

There’s no father wants the worst for their children. We have the most loving, the most amazing, the most highest Father, that rules the whole universe.

God already paid the price. Jesus already sacrificed His life for us to live. Now we do our part. Be the son! Run boldly to claim your blessings.

Leave those slave suits. If you don’t see yourself in the right way, it will limit your blessings.

Don’t have a limited mindset. You have to give God permission to increase you. It starts in your thinking.

You have seeds of greatness. Don’t talk yourself out of it. You are not a slave to negative things. God love you too much to let you live in mediocrity. God is The Father who wants to give the best for His children.

Don’t see yourself too high in greatness that you don’t see the need for you to change. Be humble. Be a better person. Be the son.

God doesn’t count your past. He sees who you are right now. Who do you want Him to see? A slave or a son?

Posted in Adulting, Christianity, Daily Prompt, Parenting, Thoughts, Writings

Woman Power

I pray for all the single mothers that you stay in faith and surrender to God. Give your children in His hands and believe that you’re not alone. God will work with you hand in hand.

Keep your head high coz there’s nothing to be ashamed of. You are doing everything you can to give whatever the children’s needs.

People may buzz but they don’t live your life. You are doing what’s best for the children and for you. They might think and say whatever they’d like, and whatever you do, they’ll keep finding a topic of this week.

Talk is cheap. It really does. But walking limbs, wounded, yet still have to fight to survive is a good price to pay. Believe that God will pay for every tears you shed.

Keep doing what’s right. You might feel lonely and overwhelmed, nobody to share with, to at least give your mind at peace. But God is with you. He is walking right beside you. And He will carry you when you’re tired.

I pray for you who is struggling with your marriage that God will give you what’s best.

It may not be as you wanted but believe that God plans every single details of your life. Even the shaky marriage.

The marriage you’ve been dreaming of since you’re just a little baby girl turns into nightmare. It may seems that nothing goes your way and all you feel is pain. Believe that God sees all and He is a loving father who will protect you from breaking.

You may stand in the junction without knowing where to go. Afraid of taking yet another wrong choices. Another decision. Another risk to take.

With the children involved, nothing seems to be the right choice. Do I think the children will be happier without their father? Do I think the arguing and the fighting can really bring any good to the children?

A lot of questions with no right answers. A lot of doubts. A lot of teary nights. A lot happens.

This is the right time to stay in touch with God. Ask for His guidance. No guarantee that you’ll see instant results, but as long as you stay in faith, I believe there’s nothing He can’t do for your happiness.

I don’t have the most amazing marriage. I don’t have great marriages in my family. I see broken hearted children. I see me.

As much as I wanted the best for my children, I don’t control other people’s minds. Two personalities with different background, education, environment, and two different brains become one, really need some hard work to do. And A LOT OF LOVE.

These messed up threads really messing up with our life. Please remember, DO NOT put other people’s lives into your account. They may seem to have a perfect life you’ve been dreaming of, but trust me, they are struggling a different battle to us.

Keep doing what’s right even if you’re not acknowledged. Have faith that God knows EVERYTHING. Pray for the best. Surrender to Him.

Posted in Adulting, Christianity, Daily Prompt, Parenting, Thoughts, Writings

The Art Of “BUT” In Motherhood

Hey kiddos…

I know that you have the right to play and watch TV and internet and whatever it is that makes you feel good BUT… Please do your homework, do your chores, and your other responsibilities first.

I know that you want to eat all the junkiest food you ever see on TV commercial or coz your friends eat them and you tasted it and you liked it. I will give you every once in a while (when I’m in good mood and have the budget for it) BUT… Please eat your vegetables, fruits, and whatever it is I served on the table for your meals.

I know that you need your coolness in front of your friends and the girl you like, so you need to exist in the social media and talk the same language as them. Well, I made you the Instagram account and WhatsApp to ‘connect’ with them BUT… Please understand that you’re doing all those social thingy on my phone and I control when and with whom you ‘connect’.

I know and I believe that you can do whatever you want in life. Be whoever you want to be. A successful rich people who knows how to conquer the world. BUT… Please remember that all those don’t come easy. All those ‘glorious’ things in life don’t just fall from the sky for you. You need to work hard, have the character, and the right attitude to achieve them. Laziness can only bring you nothing.

I know that money makes you happy. You can buy and do whatever you want with all the money you have BUT… Please keep in mind that God owns it all. Every single penny you have, God owns it. Stay humble and make “giving back” a part of your life. Coz God bless you for you to be able to bless others.

I know that I will not always be there for you BUT… Please remember that I will be looking at you from above and feel very proud of you.

I may not be leaving you with loads of treasures BUT I will try my hardest to prepare you for the life that God wants you to be. I will be leaving you with the legacy of gratitude, good character, discipline, work ethic, empathy, God’s children material, and the attitude of a good human.

I may not be the best mom in the world BUT I will do my best to be your mom.

We will change our family tree. Do know that I make mistakes BUT you will see those mistakes as the lesson you need to live your life.

I don’t promise that you wouldn’t do any mistakes BUT you will have the attitude of a winner that will have a positive response towards any turn downs.

Dream big. Do big. Be big.

Posted in Daily Prompt, Thoughts, Writings

Dear me…

Dear me…

It is okay to feel overwhelmed.

It is okay to feel disappointed.

It is okay wanting to scream it all out of your lungs.

It is okay to feel the hate.

It is okay to cry out for help.

It is okay to let the kids do whatever they want when you don’t want to deal with them.

It is okay to let them eat leftovers when you don’t feel like cooking.

It is okay to let the house in wrecked when you don’t feel like cleaning.

It is okay to be angry and break the peace rules in the house.

It is okay to put your grumpy face on rather than forcing a smile.

Dear me…

It is okay to be human.

Posted in Adulting, Christianity, Daily Prompt, Thoughts, Writings

Stay Committed

Life teaches us how to recognize ourselves and the people around us. How to call someone a friend. Friend a very simple word yet somehow intriguing.

I sometimes don’t know how to describe someone as my friend. The one that I know? The one that I share my story with? The one that I say Hi to? The one that I recognize?

Then there’s another term as ‘Best Friend’. How best are they? What makes them best? How is it any different than a ‘Friend’?

I’m an easy going girl. I can mingle and talk in various occasions with any different kinds of people. I know a lot of people. Can I say that they’re my friend by only knowing their name and talk for a few hours? I may see them again, I may not, and maybe texting each others occasionally. Are they my friends?

I take the word friend very seriously. I even had this scene on walking out of a chat group when I didn’t get the message that I’m their friend for leaving me out in one ‘event’. Some people took my action as an exaggerating act of attention. I took it as a betrayal. We’re okay now though 😊

Then I moved town and meeting up again with my school friends. We were in one school together, so they’re my friend. Time goes by, we end up being friends in (several) chat apps. We rarely chat. Just having them in my friend list makes them my friend. But are they?

There’s this girl. We were quite closed back then at school. We sort of losing contact when I moved town years ago. Now that we’re in the same town again, would it make us close again? Not really.

She’s busy with her things and I’m busy with my things. Since we’re now both married and have kids, our life kinda jumbled up. It’s hard to meet each other and talk. But we did chat numerous times.

I’m not in this financial crisis all the time. There was times when I was loaded and I give. I love to give. I can give presents for no reason. She was not in a very good financial position, but she’s okay. As for me, I give whenever I have something to give.

I wasn’t expecting anything back from her, especially in her condition. She’s not lacking yet she’s not loaded. I didn’t ask for anything from her. We just talk, she knows my situation, I know her situation. She works hard to support her family like I do.

We’re not the closest friends coz she has her own circle and I don’t quite socialize here. I’m very focus and dedicated in taking care of the boys. I busy myself with house chores, house organization, planning, budgeting, everything that will make me better and busy.

Then she shocked me with one message that I have to meet up with her. After all hassle trying to make time to meet, I met her and she gave me a bag full of produce and eggs and protein and everything I need to make a meal for the kids.

I am not used to be taking things from others. Let alone from someone whom I know, also need what’s inside that bag for her family meals. I felt awkward but thankful. Coz really I had nothing to feed my boys.

Then I know how someone felt when I gave them food when they needed most. It was a wake up call for me, that I shouldn’t stop giving, even the smallest part of what I have.

She still send me produce every now and then. And sometimes even message me if I needed some gas money for my bike. And she support my business. Whenever I have something to sell, she’ll buy from me for herself or she resell it. Sometimes she just buy, resell, and didn’t even take any benefit from it.

Is she my best friend? Is she a friend? Who is she?

Then I have this cousin of mine. We didn’t talk much before I moved back to this town, but we grew closer now.

We used to went on vacation and camping together. Family trips. When we were in a stable place financially. Then, he got laid off from his job. It hurts me when I know he could have been experiencing what I’m going through right now.

Lucky he had this compensation from the office so he can start a business. And he came up with this garlic trading business. I started selling garlic that he supply to me. Then he start postponing taking money from me. I was so scared that I end up using that money that I supposed to pay him, coz really when I have nothing to feed my boys, the money was sitting there like calling me to take them.

It was a battle. But then he keeps rejecting to take the money. He may not say it, but I feel that he wants to help me. I end up using the money to survive our daily lives. But I keep notes and pay some amount to him. It’s a debt that I should pay him back. And I will pay him.

I’m so grateful for what I have right now. I have great loving people surrounding me. God provides with the people to help get through this. And this too shall pass.

I know I got backstabbed, disappointed, discouraged, so many times by friends and or family. But when we stay committed to keep doing good, God will make it up to me. He has the final say.

I know that no one will help me knowing that I slack off, lazing around doing nothing, wasting time for nonsense. But when I keep doing what’s needed for me to do, God will open hearts and doors of opportunities for me.