Posted in Adulting, How To, Thoughts, Writings

Dream Hoarders

I have so many dreams. We all have. What differentiate us is whether we are a catcher or a hoarder? Are we being proactive or sit and wait?

I know some people that has great minds, has so many ideas, has so many dreams, and they talk about it like every single time I met them. They are very passionate people. It is so motivating to be around them. But then, I find them talking and talking and talking the same thing all over again and again and again, everytime I see them. For so long, all the talks goes nowhere but words.

No judging, but I do that too. I’m in the club, for some reasons. I pushed myself so hard to get out of the club. Am I out? Not yet. I’m kinda half in half out. Why so? Coz I actually made some of my dreams came true. I turn ideas into reality and I work hard on it. They need time, focus, and after all this time I’m still learning on each of them. Do I have the results I wanted? Not yet. But I believe in progress over results. I just need to keep learning and growing. But then, I have some dreams that I already started but it’s stuck. I can find so many excuses (too many actually) on why it’s stuck.

Often, we are too focus on the problems we have that we make ourselves stuck in an unended depressing situation. We keep thinking about the problems that its clouding our mind in finding a solution and making a decision. We then find ourselves in the bubble, getting cozy in it. Too comfortable sitting on the cloud, floating nowhere. Scared to move coz it might broken the bubble. It looks okay for them who are inside the bubble but annoying for the people around them. What they see that you’re being lazy, unfocus, undecided, and zero productivity. It can lead to a relationship catastrophy.

I’m not saying that you can’t have dreams. I’m saying that instead being a dream hoarders, be a dream cather. Be active in catching your dreams. Pursue them with persistency and hard work coz nothing will ever be something if we don’t do anything about it.

My 12yo boy is having a dream of being the number 1 at the graduation this June, but instead of working hard on his grades, he spend too many hours with his phone. He will have all the good intention of doing his homework or studying for a test and having his phone with him for Googling or listening to music, and always end up scrolling endlessly on Instagram or chatting with his friends.

Then what? I (yes, me!) eliminate the distraction by taking his phone on hold. He will not have his phone back until after final test, which is about 2 months. Did he agree? Noooooooooo. You see, kids now would rather suffer from hunger rather than away from their phone. Sometimes we need someone else to help us get back on track. To motivate and to remind us to our goals.

It disturbs me to see someone laying around or sitting doing nothing. I hate lazy people. It annoys me that someone can say so much but zero action. We all have our own problems that can make us feel like not wanting to do anything. I do too. But I push myself to get out of it instead of crying on it and stays in the mud for so freaking long. If I hate to be in one place, I want to get out of there as soon as possible by moving my feet away from it. See, I actually need to MOVE my feet to get out of there, is an action.

It apllies on your dreams too. You call it dreams or goals or whatever you want, they still need an actual action to come true, to accomplish. I know it takes time, then take your time by doing it one step at a time. Make a plan, do bit by bit every single day, coz I believe doing small can really mean something than doing nothing at all.

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Posted in Adulting, Christianity, Daily Prompt, Thoughts, What happened?, Writings

A Journey Of Finding A Church | Christianity | Spiritual Journey

I’ve been obligated to have a religion that will be my spiritual identity, since I was born. Maybe we all are ‘obligated’ in some ways.

I have learned some religions in order to find my religious identity and it’s not easy. You got judgments and doubts and thoughts and even I was in the state of doubting myself.

But I never, ever, has doubted God. The creator of the universe and me. I am more of a spiritual person than a religious one. I find that religions are ‘more human’ than God itself. Religion makes people ‘holy’ and selfish.

Disclaimer : It’s my own opinion that is not intended to offense anybody.

But… As we live in the world of boxes, somehow we need to fit in to one of those boxes. So do I and my children.

I’ve been raised in a Catholic family and been a Catholic for so many years but then after I got married, my husband introduced me to Christianity.

Again I have some thoughts, doubts, questions, and disagreement over the religion. But I tried to oblige and observance in the same time. Not a religious material to do right?

I’ve been going to the same church for years and I didn’t feel peace. Life went on and I went along.

Then I moved to another town and found the church (the same one at the last town) and I brought myself and the kids to that church. I thought that if I go to a different ‘branch’, there’s some different, but I was wrong. It’s the same, so I still had my old feelings.

I felt that I was in a state of lying to myself and God. Like a hypocrite. Even my kids didn’t want to go to their Sunday School. Coz they’re feeling the same as I felt. Some uncomfortable feelings.

For some times, we stopped going to church. I felt like I was a bad mom, not fulfilling my job in giving my kid’s soul needs. I want my children to have a consciousness of having God. The One that control the universe. The One that giving them mercy and love. The One that over power the whole world.

Then one day, my prayers was answered. A friend of my mom came visiting one day and the conversation was led to me not going to church and when she goes. So she informed me where the church is and the time of Sunday service.

Sunday came. I was driving my car and literally in a junction. Turn right to the old church or turn left to the new church. I was debating with myself and finally turn my wheel to the left. As I was driving, I already felt some hope but again debating whether I was to send the kids straight to the Sunday School classes or letting them in the service with me.

I was at the church, parking my car, walking in, and the classes was already began. I asked the kids (hoping) if they wanted to go to the classes. And they went in without any fuss. They were just saying bye and went in. It was a relief. They didn’t know anybody coz we’re new in town and it’s our first time in the church.

I went up to the service, found myself a seat, and joined in. The church isn’t as big as my old one was. The people is more humble and I felt welcomed. Unlike the rich people in my old church, that were not seemed aware of each others, even careless. Being alone and don’t feel belong to is not the feeling we’re supposed to be getting from a church. But here, in this new church, on my first time, I already felt like a family.

And more to my surprise, the focus of the church was not getting as much money as possible (which is the focus of the old church) but getting as much souls (to believes in Jesus as saviour) as possible. I felt rejoice and yes they’re getting a new soul. Mine and my kid’s.

Now, we don’t skip church unless one of us were sick. The kids were not as lazy as they were. Before, they were even cried if I asked them to go to church for Sunday School. Now, they got up voluntarily and always share good stories of what they learned from Sunday classes.

The kids are now joining the music ministry classes. Abe (my oldest, 12yo) is joining drum class and Al (my youngest, 9yo) is joining keyboard class. For FREE!!! At my old church everything was monetized, including giving our self to serve God, we need to pay.

I thank God for sending me someone who informed me of this church. I thank God for giving me a second chance to find Him. I thank God for letting my children to serve Him. I thank God that I am more in love with Him through this church.

The pastor of this church is always emphasizing on getting more souls not in a way of dragging them from other church to go into this church. He is always saying that we need to save new souls so more people knows and believes on Jesus Christ. He has strong disagreement on moving other Christians from one church to another church.

Well, I disagree with him. I know for myself that not every Christian that are already in a church have their souls on God. I know for sure that not every Christian goes to church every Sunday out of their faith on Jesus. Coz I know, I’ve been going just wanted to fit in the box. So that I have a religion identity.

The church is supposed to change our old self into our new that believes and surrender only to Jesus Christ, reflecting Jesus in our everyday life. And if after so many years, one don’t feel any will power to change their old self, to be more like Jesus rather than the world. Then I say, find another church coz they obviously needs to be saved, like I am saved.

Posted in Adulting, Daily Prompt, Parenting, Thoughts

Mom Confessions | Mom Life | Motherhood | Dessy’s Days

I’m a mom of two beautiful boys. As much as I love my boys, as an SAHM, I have some confessions to make πŸ™‡β€β™€οΈ

  1. I send the kids to school with my pajama and no bra. Well, I change my shorts into yoga pants, wear an oversize jacket to hide some inappropriate scene for the moms to talk about, brush my teeth, wash my face, a sandal, and put my sunglasses on. That’s it. In the morning I focus only on the boys and kinda care less about myself. As long as I got their breakfast, lunch bag ready, and they’re not late for school, that’s all I care about.
  2. Sometimes my kids wear wrong uniforms and I force them to face ‘the humiliation’ coz I’m not going back home and get the uniform. Well that happens about 3 times a semester, so I’m not gonna exaggerate it.
  3. I’m a very impatient mom. I often cut my kid’s sentences. I says “QUICK” hundreds of time every 5 minutes. I want my kids to be fast like me. I talk fast (I’m a straight forward person, I don’t play with words to get to my point). I move fast (move means doing everything from chores, work, etc). But then I know, I have to realize (at some points I forgot to) that my kids are not me. I have to respect who they are and try to calm myself.
  4. I’m happy when they’re at school and when they’re asleep. I finally can have moments for myself and enjoying the quietness of my life. Finally. Even that I don’t get to sit and watch TV or do some lazy time (coz I always be doing my chores or works), I enjoy some alone time.
  5. Sometimes I ignore my kids coz I’ve had enough “mom mom mom mom” of the day. If you have kids, it’s like a broken records playing the moms part again and again and again, like constantly, nonstop. Mom, I’m hungry. Mom, do you see my book?. Mom, I want some snacks. Mom, can I pee in your toilet? Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Aaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!
  6. I do ‘pooping lies’. Toilet is my sanctuary. That’s the ONLY place where I can runaway from the kids. I read a book, watch YouTube, writes, or just sitting and breathing. Grateful that I can still survive those cute little monsters that I love so much (ironic).
  7. Sometimes I forced my kids to take a nap (when they have time) because I wanted a nap. I became a troll when they refused to have naps. Come on kids!!! What’s not to like about taking a nap??? Seriously!!!
  8. When I’m too lazy too cook, I just give them junk food. Sorry kids… The chef is taking an off day. And frankly, the kids love junk food more than they love my cooks, so it’s a win win.
  9. I thought of going back to work full time just because I miss having a social life. I miss having lunch and chit chat with people not my kids and hubby. But I never have the heart to do it. I’ve been a stay at home mom for 7 years now, been sending resumes, been to interviews, but I always stop right at that point. Getting a job offers and went to interviews bring me satisfaction or somehow makes me feel that I’m not just a stay at home mom. I still have values. I still get recognized. You know, we as stay at home mom, often feel left behind and got undervalued just because we’re not a sassy beautiful dressed up career woman. But WE ARE! WE ARE A SASSY BEAUTIFUL STAY AT HOME MOMS!
  10. I asked my boys to help clean the house and have full responsibility of their room because I told them it’s their life skills. Which is true. But one of the reason is that I refused to do the house chores all by myself. We live together in this house people! Get your ass off that couch and start cleaning!!!

Being a mom is hard work. Being a stay at home mom is even harder. I used to be judging moms that have a melt down kids at a restaurant. I make comments on moms who complains about their kids. And so many ‘negative mom attitude’ towards their kids.

Let me tell you something. You need to be with them full time to understand how it is to be a stay at home mom. I literally stop judging when I started this stay at home mom thing as my full day job 7 years ago.

Bonus : I don’t let my kids to be independent. I don’t let them going to school alone and the school is just 10 minutes away by bike. I don’t let them go hang out with their friends without me. Where ever they go, there will be me. Even to my teen boy. I know that I embarrass him and I don’t care. I will be their taxi even till the day I send them to their office for work hahaha

No judging πŸ₯‚

We are all have our success and mistakes. We all are having a different stories. We are all having different priorities. We are all doing our best with what we have.

There are no wrongs or rights. We are all good moms. Be proud of yourself. When things are hard, know that you’re doing your best, give a pad on your back, pray to Heavenly Father to give you the strength you need. Then carry on.

Sending you all a huge love from one mom to another ❀

Posted in Adulting, Parenting, Thoughts

No Way Out!

Monday was a day that Al (my youngest son) was supposed to have a Difteri shot. We’ve been preparing since Friday. Even still encouraging him on Monday morning and he was so ready.

I was at home working and had a complete trust in him. At 11 something, a friend of mine said that Al was not shot. I tried to contact his teacher and she said that Al (said) was having a flu so they skipped him.

I was so mad. It’s the second time he played as a sick child so that he’ll skip the shot. When he got home, I encountered him. He started crying. I explained to him that it’s not because of him being scared of getting a shot and not because of him not getting a shot coz we can always do it some other time. I was mad because of him lying for not getting a shot.

I told him that it is a must for him to get a shot. For his own good. It is something that he can’t get away with. Even he didn’t get a shot at school, I’ll still be taking him to a clinic to get a shot.

Kids still don’t understand the meaning of obligation and responsibility. They think they can get away from it. They might take a detour but they still have to come back, coz there’s really no way out of any of our life’s obligations and responsibilities. No Way Out!

If it’s an obligation than you MUST do it. Like school, you have to get up every morning with all the morning routines and go to school. Every single day, unless it’s weekend. You can skip school if you’re sick but as you got healthy again, you’re going back to school.

Me, as a mom, I have obligations and responsibilities too. All the house chores, taking the kids to and from school, cooking, helping the kids for exams, school projects, while doing my VA works. I don’t have to wanting to do it, I MUST do it. There’s no way I can get away from it.

Do I always want to do it? No. I want to watch TV, laying in bed, sleeping in, do whatever I want without looking at the clock all the time, and don’t have to worry about the messy house. But I can’t get away from it.

Not everybody knows the difference between responsibility and right. Some people only know how to get their rights. These people think that the world owe them. They would ask for your respect even though they don’t deserve it. They demand for our understanding when they don’t even care about us. They ask and ask without giving.

It takes maturity, wisdom, and humility to be a responsible person. It has nothing to do with age coz we can always find a 40 years old with the mind of a nine.

It is my responsibility to teach my children the importance of doing their obligations and responsibilities before asking for their rights.

They need to be aware when personal pleasure matters more to them than the needs of others. These self centered thing can lead them to damaging their selves and their future.

Needs hard work to teach a child but it’s nearly impossible to teach an adult.

Posted in Product Review, Thoughts

Deluxe Banarolla | Product Review | Indonesian Snack

Hi…

Welcome back ❀

Please subscribe if you haven’t already. I’d love to have you join my blog family where I share a bit of everything 😊

Today I’m reviewing Deluxe Banarolla. An Indonesian snack based on banana. It’s a hits nowadays and everybody is talking about it.

I want to talk about it too. Now shall we?

I bought it from a friend at my boy’s school. Before I bought it from her, I checked the price online and it’s about IDR 5k different. I thought I’ll buy from her, supporting her business.

It’s a refill pack of 250gr in a price of IDR 45k ($3.32). It contains of 12 individual packs and I asked for all 4 flavors. Choconut, Double Choco, Green Tea Almond, and Choco Milky Oreo.

When you open the pack, you’ll find a greeting card and I find it cute. Makes it more personal and it’s a great marketing approach.

Let’s review one by one.

It’s the green tea almond. I like green tea and I like chocolate, so I like it. The green tea taste isn’t as strong as I’d like coz it’s more of a white chocolate with green tea flavor.

This is Choconut and the chocolate is yummy. It’s not too sweet and the bitterness of chocolate is there but not overpowering. I like it.

This is Choco Milky Oreo. If you like Oreo then you’re gonna love it. But I don’t think this is the vanilla Oreo coz the flavor is quite different. I only have vanilla Oreo coz I don’t like other flavors. It’s too sweet for me.

The last is Double Choco. It’s the same chocolate but with chocolate chips. You can only find about 3-4 chocolate chips there, so I don’t find it have any different in flavor.

What about the inside?

Well… the inside is all the same. It’s a dried banana rolls like in ladies fingers, covered with different toppings of chocolates.

Do I like them? Yes, I do.

Will I buy them again? No, I don’t think so. Well maybe, on occasions.

Why not?

1. It’s quite pricy. IDR 45k for 12pcs means IDR4k/pc ($0.29).

2. It’s a sweet treats and I don’t encourage my family having too much sweet treats.

3. There’s really nothing special and difficult in this snack. I can recreate this even though not from scratch. I can buy the banana rolls and dip them in my homemade chocolate fondue. It’ll be a lot cheaper and I can have a lot more with the same money.

But, it’s a great gifts if you want to send them on Valentines or Mother’s Day or Birthdays. The packaging is nice and representatives. You can buy the individual pack in a tin if you want.

You can visit their Instagram @banarolla and their website https://magicbanarolla.com

This review is my own personal opinion and doesn’t have to be other’s. Have you tried this? What flavor do you like? Share with us and comment below 😊

Please leave a ‘like’ if you like this kind of post so I can review more products.

Don’t forget to subscribe and join my blog family for more product reviews and of course a bit of everything else.

Bye for now ❀

Posted in Parenting, Thoughts

Teaching Leadership

My 11 years old boy was ‘complaining’ about his friends that are always appointing him to be a leader in class projects or if there’s any sort of class competition.

When he said that, I was in awe. Proud of my boy and kinda ashamed with myself coz I always complain about him being so busy with class projects as if he’s working alone.

I stopped for a moment before I can respond to him. I was thinking what will be the best answer for that. I don’t want to say something that I can’t even do it myself.

I let him talk for a while and I asked him some more questions about how he feels so I myself can arrange my respond 😁

Then I told him to embrace every opportunity given to him. For him to learn as much as he can. There will be times (a lot of times) that our hard works are being underrated and unappreciated, but whatever the outcome is, there will ALWAYS be something to learn from. ALWAYS.

Being a leader is not easy. It takes responsibility to accomplish the goals in producing the best result with hard works. It needs good communication skills so he can delegate the works. It takes courage and humility to accept failures. It is a big job for us adults, let alone teens.

I told him to see everything as a learning process. A journey to maturity. A road that he can’t escape. The only way to get through it is taking it step by step with great attitude that will lead him to be a success mature man.

The journey will not be a smooth silky road but it worth every bump. I need to prepare him for heartache, rejection, humiliation, disappointment, and lost. While I’m teaching him how to appreciate and embrace the joy and the luxury of being a child.

Parenting style 10 years ago was definitely different with the style right now in the millennial. Kids are more aware of their self titled and more aggressive in showing off their existence. Yet with the exposure of internet, kids are now more fragile.

Parents are now getting challenged to keep up while upgrading their patience level. One thing for sure, kids see us. They adore us. They will do what we do. We are their idol. They want to be like us. So… Be a model.

There’s no better way to teach a child other than being an example.

Posted in Adulting, Budgeting, Christianity, Parenting, Thoughts

Changing The Family Tree

I was buying a bottle of Coke at a shop near our church on Sunday. I gave him one IDR 100.000 ($7) note and he asked me if I have smaller note, I said no. Then he started saying that he hears that all the time, that people are saying they don’t have smaller notes so they can sort of change their bigger note into smaller ones.

I said, I’m not lying. I only have that one piece of note with me, that’s my budget for 2 weeks. I don’t have cash other than that one note. Then he asked me, what if a relative came over and needed some money? I said, if I don’t have then I can’t give them right? He said, well you have to give them, no matter what and where you get the money from.

Wow… Easy man.

Then he said, if you limit (budget) your cash like that, then you’ll get bullied, everybody will talk behind your back and start stepping away from you. I told him, if we care too much with what everybody says about you, then you’ll be digging your own grave (well, I didn’t bluntly say that).

This is what happen with most Indonesian. We care too much with our images. We have to look good in front of other people. Budgeting is a strange term for us. And when we do budgeting, people will laugh at us. There’s still very little awareness of budgeting in our mindset.

In Indonesia, budgeting means stingy and cheapskate. It’s a bad reputation for us 🀣

My boys don’t get pocket money for school and they got laughed at school. Especially my teen boy, Abe. He’s in 7 grade and ALL of his friends have pocket money. Sometimes he asked me why he doesn’t get pocket money and I told him that he doesn’t need it. He bring lunch from home and our house is 5 minutes away from school. And he sure doesn’t want to get sick over some unhealthy food that people sell at school.

And while other kids are showing off their new expensive phones at school, Abe doesn’t bring his (hand down) phone to school. I tell you, there are so much pressure that kids are getting right now. If I don’t teach them about money as early as I can, the family tree of ‘being dumb with money’ is getting bigger and it’ll be harder to cut down.

I’m teaching them of being frugal (not cheapskate), wise (not stingy), and I want to them to see money as a gift from God for them to manage so they can lend and not borrow.

Me and hub is being raised as most Indonesian so we ourselves have a lot to learn. We made our mistakes and we need to make a stop at it. It’s never too late to change to be better coz we’re leaving a legacy to our boys. And it’s not the one that our parents left us with.

We are cutting the tree and grow a new healthier tree. Yes, it won’t be easy but God promise that we will sow what we reap.

Posted in Adulting, Christianity, Daily Prompt, Thoughts, Writings

I will bloom where I am!

It’s so easy to fall into disappointments when we’re in a place that we thought we don’t belong to. We thought that this is not what I’m supposed to be doing, not what you wanted to do in life, not what you want to be.

Especially when you feel discouraged, underrated, undervalued, misunderstood, and all the wrongs we could’ve think of… We just thought that it isn’t fair. What have I done to be in such a miserable place?

I fall into this trap sometimes (well… often times), where I just couldn’t see any good in anything. I would’ve gone back thinking about the past, what I would’ve been doing right now instead of this, today.

I was so happy with my life, no burden, singing a lot, partying a lot, was having the best careers in my young life. Then suddenly I had to gave it up into something that I didn’t even want at that time. Not even thought about it. Not even in my plans.

Then I fell into the darkness of depression (again). Blaming myself, blaming my mom, blaming everybody, blaming God. Nothing was good at that time. I just wanted it to be over and I got back into my old happy self.

But that’s not how life is. Life goes on whether you wanted it to be the way you wanted or not. And I moved along with it. At good times, I can see why it happened, and start seeing everything fall into place like it supposed to be. But in hard times, I regret things A LOT. Wish that I could’ve done differently.

When I see my life in a way that how I didn’t want it, I kinda say that God makes mistakes or God is punishing me. Hard to see the good in anything when you don’t believe that God controls the universe.

God is in everything you do, every person you meet, every opportunity, closed doors, open doors, happiness, sadness, lost, EVERYTHING. There’s no such thing as luck or coincidence.

Yes we make our own choices and sometimes we don’t make a good one, but God has SO MANY OTHER WAYS to get you back on course. Coz He loves us. And in the journey of you coming back is often times a bumpy jumpy road.

That’s when we started to struggle then we started to complain and worries about things. And I worry a lot. My brain works like a roller coaster. Riding on a roller coaster might be fun for once but when you have to live on it, you puked a lot. You got sick and tired of rolling around passing the same road over and over again that you couldn’t even have control over it.

But this is how I overcome my ‘sickness’. When my head is straight, I’ve no problems seeing what’s good in my life. But when it’s not, I make sure that I have it straight by reading devotional, bible journaling, writes gratitude, read motivational and inspirational books, watch self helps videos on YouTube, etc.

If I don’t do it for myself, no one is going to do it for me. I need to stand up for myself and get everything good (in my perspective) so I can see and understand what God wants in my life.

God loves me. God wants me to reach the fullness of my destiny and I know that it’s good. God knows what I need and He will provide. God is going to smooth my journey, put everyone in place, and things will be lighter and simpler.

I just need to do my best, bloom where I am at, keep honoring God and put Him first. And I believe there’s going to be a supernatural Grace, a favor that lightens the load and takes the pressure off coz God is good.

Amen.

Posted in Adulting, Daily Prompt, How To, Thoughts, What happened?

How To Survive Mental Sickness

I have heard people decided to took their own life in the past 6 months. From a celebrity to recently a young mom who jumped from 10th floor early in the morning, leaving her 8 months old baby and a confused husband.

When I google the word ‘ibu muda bunuh diri’ meaning ‘young mom suicide’, I found a very sad news that there are many others from different ages and backgrounds. So many that it breaks my heart that I cried.

I am deeply sorry for what they’ve been through. I know what they felt. I know a suicidal feeling. The urge of killing yourself. The thought that death is the only way out. The loneliness. The sickness. The pain. ‘Normal’ people couldn’t understand how we feels. It’s exclusive for us who have mental sickness.

Is it stress? Depression? We all have stress, depression, life is not all rainbow and unicorn, we don’t even think of ending our lives. Yes, it is easier said than done. For us with mental sickness, what seems small to you is like a giant crushing our whole world. What is normal to you is extraordinary for us.

When you don’t meet certain expectations, you have the spirit to move on, start over again. We don’t. When we don’t find things as we expect them to be, we started to feel suffocated, drowned in our disappointments. Unable to see any good side of any of whatever it is. We’ll be stuck in our zone. Some of us got lucky and got out from the zone, some of us don’t survive the zone.

I don’t talk about surveys or studies about suicidal mothers, but I’m just gonna share what I’ve been through. That I know how it feels. And I’m still trying to survive.

I had the 1st suicidal thought when I was at elementary school, then at high school, then at college, then once when I’ve had my 1st baby. I’m still alive though, am I cured?

I don’t think mental sickness has cures. You can get therapy after therapy with pills (so many pills) that are intended to bring you to the stage of calmness and to make you sleep (a lot of sleeps). Does it help? Yes, for short period of time. What’s next? More therapy and more pills.

Did I ever go to a psychiatrist? I did. Did it help? Yes, for short period of time. Then what? I stopped seeing him and I therapy myself. Meaning? I self taught myself to ease my mental sickness.

This are some tips for you that I find it works for me:

1.Go Away!

I decided to go far away from my family. I was living with my aunt and her family, occasionally visit my mom. Years after years, I’ve tried to overcome my issues, but it didn’t work. When I was in college, I found myself worsen. Then I had the urge to go away from them, from the family who suffocated me. Somewhere far away, away from their reach.

Once I had the thought of leaving, it’s like the urge to kill myself never came to visit. My focus had shifted. Then I planned my leave. I went to other island, still part of Indonesia, alone, no friends nor family. I was an alien deserted in a land of strangers.

Almost got sold to a brothel house, got robbed, met some friends, met some love, met some enemies, had the live of my life. I had a new life.

2. Change your focus

As I mentioned above, when I changed my focus into something else, the urge of killing myself was gone (or at least were sleeping).

When you’re in a new environment you have new perspectives, new experiences, new challenges, new spirit, new life. And you’ll find yourself excited again, live again, you become new you.

I was busy surviving in the island, busy finding a job, busy applying to a job, busy living my new life.

3. Plan

I didn’t know that I have to plan my life in order to have a healthy mindset. Planning means, I need to know what I’m doing with this life I have. Not just ‘go with the flow’ mindset which will make my life jumbled up in a mess again. When you have mental sickness, you don’t wanna go near any kind of mess.

I did a lot of thinking about what I want in my life. I wrote it down, made my plans, and I executed them, one by one. Small steps along the way.

And you know what? I achieved every single thing I wanted. I got the job that I dreamed of since I was a little girl. I got to do what I like to do, made money over my talent, which is singing.

Like I said, I had a new life. I lived a new world.

4. Enjoy the process

Was I had a beautiful rainbow life? Of course not, things happened. Bad things happened. But I was already in a stage of developing myself into a new me, and I like the new me. For the first time in my life, I have the confident to live a life as me.

Some people still didn’t like me, didn’t find me beautiful, didn’t like my voice, didn’t like what I did, just like it was (my sick old self). But the different was, I was already finding myself, knowing myself, acknowledge myself, loving myself. And I was so selfish that I want to keep the new me that I didn’t find any of those issues bothered me. Not at all.

I enjoyed every single process of my new life.

5. Empty out the negative

Make room for good things. Don’t let negativity sour your life again. Give no place to negativity. Don’t hang around people feeding you the negativity. Let go what didn’t work out. Don’t associate with the wrong people.

I resigned from my jobs when I found that it was not a healthy environment for me anymore. I quit 4 jobs when I finally got married and back in Jakarta. I was able to measure myself on how much I could take. I made the decision to stay away from negativity as much as I can.

Surround yourself with positive people. You need good real friends/partner/spouse so that you can share and tell them freely what’s bothering you. A free judgmental people who can give you all the support you need and all ears to everything you want to share with them.

6. Peace with yourself

Give yourself a break. Don’t go your life being against yourself. Your time is too valuable to sit around dwelling on your flaws & lackness. There will be time of struggle, pressure, difficulties. Don’t get discouraged. That’s not permanent.

Just like you thought you were stuck in the zone, but you did get out and survive right? This too shall pass.

7. Everyday find a reason to laugh

I love music. My all time favorite activities are singing and dancing. So I did. I was lucky to have the opportunity to work in a hotel and as a Sales & Marketing, I got the freedom to have an entertainment sessions with my guests. I went to a club, a pub, a discotheque, and went karaoke with my friends (many many times).

I had a blast every time I spent time singing and dancing. I had a good laugh talking with my guests and share jokes with my friends. No matter what, every single day, find a reason to laugh. When I wasn’t going out, I spent my time in my room watching Friends.

They’re my go to series whenever I was alone. If you haven’t watched them, go find the CD, you can thank me later πŸ˜€

8. Find your guidance

Whether it’s your religion or your belief. Find a guidance that can walk you through the journey of your self development.

I’m a Christian. I read bible or devotion or sermon videos that you can search online. Dedicate a time for you to have a quite moment and be grateful. Build your faith that you don’t easily got swayed by the wind of self destruction.

9. Accept who you are

“I have mental sickness and I’m aware of it”. Once you accept who you are, you get the power to control you. You recognized yourself and can have some sort of clear thinking on what you have to do or how to react on any circumstances you are in.

Sometimes the problem of not understanding what you want in life is the denial. You know that you need to let go of the past, yet you’re still clinging on it coz you feel that it doesn’t even bother you anymore yet you’re still blaming yourself for what happened in the past.

10. Love yourself

Go buy that foundation you want coz you want to have a flawless make up. Sleep in and get up at noon coz you deserve it after a long hour at work. Make efforts to love yourself.

Nothing is more rewarding than to self fulfilled yourself so you can feel good about yourself then you can fall in love with yourself and when you love yourself, death is not so tempting anymore coz you love you and you love your life.

Those are what I did (do) to help myself out of the ‘killing myself zone’. I hope it can help you realized that you’re not in this alone. Nobody is alone in this world. Not even you. And this too shall pass. Nothing in this world is permanent, not even us.

We only have one life to live. That life is given by God, our Creator. Only He has the right to give and take our lives. Be patient. Do your best while you’re still alive in this world even sometimes it sucks, but don’t rush your death. It will come to you eventually.

See things from a different angle. Adjust your sits so you can get the best view.

Look around. Be empathetic. Don’t ignore the signs. Share your pain and success. You might save a life.

Posted in Adulting, Daily Prompt, Thoughts

Word Of The Year 2018 – Renew

Welcome to 2018!!!

People are busy setting their resolutions, goals, planners, and word of the year. Including me πŸ˜€

How about you?

I have never been so excited about new year. I found myself living life as it was. Whatever will be will be. Never have I ever set any goals or resolutions nor doing planners. But as I am getting older (39 this year) and I’ve been watching motivational YouTuber, listening to audiobook, reading motivational blogs, I’ve found myself left way behind.

It is not about doing what everybody else is doing. It’s about getting better. There’s no such thing as living a perfect life. We’ll be doing mistakes, having downfalls, disappointments, sadness, etc. And there’s no need to feel like a copycat or being too proud to learn from others. In my opinion, as long as it brings the best out of you, why not?

So, for wanting to rise up and being the best version of me, I’m setting a word for myself. RENEW.

Renew means (source : Google Translate)

What to renew for me?

  • Spiritually

I need to renew my relationship with God. I need to go to church every Sunday, to my local church community, read Bible, do devotional, volunteer, and I need to talk more with my Father. I lost contact with Him for quite a while and I found myself ‘left in the gutter’.

This year will be the starting point of the renewal of my spiritual journey.

  • Financially

2017 was our downfall. Yes, we built our first house. Much bigger than what we could’ve think of. Yes, we had a great life in 2017. We found ourselves loaded with money. We spent lavishly. Wasn’t aware that anything was possible to drag us back to zero. And we were (I can say) forgetting God.

And here we are, in the zero zone. We have debts. And counting solely in my freelance income. I am determined to make 2018 a better year for our finance. And hopefully, become debt free (praying so hard on this). I’m gonna focus on budgeting and saving.

  • Selfcare

I need to get back on my workout routine. I am skinny, pale, lack of energy, lack of motivation to take care of myself. I’m too busy with dragging us up from drowning, and I forget about me. I skip meals. I have less sleep and (automatically) less rest. My hair is thinner from falling out its roots, too weak to hold on my scalp (gosh). My skin is in its worse stage.

Yes, I still have to get ourselves out from ‘the gutter’, but I need to take care of myself too. I’m gonna eat healthier, intake more water, will take care of my physical appearance.

  • Motherhood

Abe (my oldest son) is a teen boy now, 13 this year. I need to be more present for him. It is the time that he needs more guidance in life. He needs a role model. He needs to be taught how to handle adulting. I need to be prepared for his questions, his demands, his curiosity. He’s in the next level of life learning. And I want to be the one that he can go to with his needs. Anything.

Al (my youngest son) is going 10 this year (November). He still have problems with writing at school. He’s a smart boy. He has good grades. It’s just that he’s not interested in writing (unlike me). He’s more of a talker (like me). I accept who he is, in terms of his writing ability. Still, I need to encourage him to write, coz that’s what the school wants from their students.

I also have to be more consistent with Al, in terms of discipline and character. He’s a bit lazy. Lack of responsibility. And hardheaded. He knows exactly what he need to do to get/achieve something, yet he wants it to be given not earned. He will complain about not getting something, but the truth is, he didn’t do anything to actually get it. For example, my rule is to do your responsibilities/obligations (homework, chores, lunch, nap, etc) first then only you can claim your reward, which is playing game on the phone or PC or watching TV. He knows that but he will drag and drag and drag, till the time is up (maybe its time to bed) then he’ll complain that he goes to bed without playing any games. Geez.

Well…

I can talk on and on about being a mother of my boys. As I post in my Instagram… I made this graphic πŸ˜€

Anybody relate to it? πŸ˜€

  • Marriage

This is soooooooooo important. We’re on the rock. I feel that I am at the edge of my tolerance. I’m having problem of forgiveness and acceptance. I can’t talk more about it other than I need to work out on this. We (me & my hub) need to work out on this.

  • Tribes

Good tribes attract good vibes. Yup, I need to reconsider and look at my tribes. If it’s not giving me any value or not supporting me to be what I’m trying to achieve in my life, I need to let them go. Not completely disconnect with them, but not exactly gonna be their close friend.

If I don’t consider them my close friends, then they can’t hurt me nor affect me.

2018 will be the step stone of new me but I will take it slow. Step by step. Little by little. Build from there.

So, what’s your word this year?

Leave a comment below, link your blog or your YouTube channel so we can all motivate each other and make ourselves accountable.

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