Posted in Adulting, Daily Prompt, Parenting, Thoughts

Mom Confessions | Mom Life | Motherhood | Dessy’s Days

I’m a mom of two beautiful boys. As much as I love my boys, as an SAHM, I have some confessions to make 🙇‍♀️

  1. I send the kids to school with my pajama and no bra. Well, I change my shorts into yoga pants, wear an oversize jacket to hide some inappropriate scene for the moms to talk about, brush my teeth, wash my face, a sandal, and put my sunglasses on. That’s it. In the morning I focus only on the boys and kinda care less about myself. As long as I got their breakfast, lunch bag ready, and they’re not late for school, that’s all I care about.
  2. Sometimes my kids wear wrong uniforms and I force them to face ‘the humiliation’ coz I’m not going back home and get the uniform. Well that happens about 3 times a semester, so I’m not gonna exaggerate it.
  3. I’m a very impatient mom. I often cut my kid’s sentences. I says “QUICK” hundreds of time every 5 minutes. I want my kids to be fast like me. I talk fast (I’m a straight forward person, I don’t play with words to get to my point). I move fast (move means doing everything from chores, work, etc). But then I know, I have to realize (at some points I forgot to) that my kids are not me. I have to respect who they are and try to calm myself.
  4. I’m happy when they’re at school and when they’re asleep. I finally can have moments for myself and enjoying the quietness of my life. Finally. Even that I don’t get to sit and watch TV or do some lazy time (coz I always be doing my chores or works), I enjoy some alone time.
  5. Sometimes I ignore my kids coz I’ve had enough “mom mom mom mom” of the day. If you have kids, it’s like a broken records playing the moms part again and again and again, like constantly, nonstop. Mom, I’m hungry. Mom, do you see my book?. Mom, I want some snacks. Mom, can I pee in your toilet? Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Aaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!
  6. I do ‘pooping lies’. Toilet is my sanctuary. That’s the ONLY place where I can runaway from the kids. I read a book, watch YouTube, writes, or just sitting and breathing. Grateful that I can still survive those cute little monsters that I love so much (ironic).
  7. Sometimes I forced my kids to take a nap (when they have time) because I wanted a nap. I became a troll when they refused to have naps. Come on kids!!! What’s not to like about taking a nap??? Seriously!!!
  8. When I’m too lazy too cook, I just give them junk food. Sorry kids… The chef is taking an off day. And frankly, the kids love junk food more than they love my cooks, so it’s a win win.
  9. I thought of going back to work full time just because I miss having a social life. I miss having lunch and chit chat with people not my kids and hubby. But I never have the heart to do it. I’ve been a stay at home mom for 7 years now, been sending resumes, been to interviews, but I always stop right at that point. Getting a job offers and went to interviews bring me satisfaction or somehow makes me feel that I’m not just a stay at home mom. I still have values. I still get recognized. You know, we as stay at home mom, often feel left behind and got undervalued just because we’re not a sassy beautiful dressed up career woman. But WE ARE! WE ARE A SASSY BEAUTIFUL STAY AT HOME MOMS!
  10. I asked my boys to help clean the house and have full responsibility of their room because I told them it’s their life skills. Which is true. But one of the reason is that I refused to do the house chores all by myself. We live together in this house people! Get your ass off that couch and start cleaning!!!

Being a mom is hard work. Being a stay at home mom is even harder. I used to be judging moms that have a melt down kids at a restaurant. I make comments on moms who complains about their kids. And so many ‘negative mom attitude’ towards their kids.

Let me tell you something. You need to be with them full time to understand how it is to be a stay at home mom. I literally stop judging when I started this stay at home mom thing as my full day job 7 years ago.

Bonus : I don’t let my kids to be independent. I don’t let them going to school alone and the school is just 10 minutes away by bike. I don’t let them go hang out with their friends without me. Where ever they go, there will be me. Even to my teen boy. I know that I embarrass him and I don’t care. I will be their taxi even till the day I send them to their office for work hahaha

No judging 🥂

We are all have our success and mistakes. We all are having a different stories. We are all having different priorities. We are all doing our best with what we have.

There are no wrongs or rights. We are all good moms. Be proud of yourself. When things are hard, know that you’re doing your best, give a pad on your back, pray to Heavenly Father to give you the strength you need. Then carry on.

Sending you all a huge love from one mom to another ❤

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Posted in Adulting, Parenting, Thoughts

No Way Out!

Monday was a day that Al (my youngest son) was supposed to have a Difteri shot. We’ve been preparing since Friday. Even still encouraging him on Monday morning and he was so ready.

I was at home working and had a complete trust in him. At 11 something, a friend of mine said that Al was not shot. I tried to contact his teacher and she said that Al (said) was having a flu so they skipped him.

I was so mad. It’s the second time he played as a sick child so that he’ll skip the shot. When he got home, I encountered him. He started crying. I explained to him that it’s not because of him being scared of getting a shot and not because of him not getting a shot coz we can always do it some other time. I was mad because of him lying for not getting a shot.

I told him that it is a must for him to get a shot. For his own good. It is something that he can’t get away with. Even he didn’t get a shot at school, I’ll still be taking him to a clinic to get a shot.

Kids still don’t understand the meaning of obligation and responsibility. They think they can get away from it. They might take a detour but they still have to come back, coz there’s really no way out of any of our life’s obligations and responsibilities. No Way Out!

If it’s an obligation than you MUST do it. Like school, you have to get up every morning with all the morning routines and go to school. Every single day, unless it’s weekend. You can skip school if you’re sick but as you got healthy again, you’re going back to school.

Me, as a mom, I have obligations and responsibilities too. All the house chores, taking the kids to and from school, cooking, helping the kids for exams, school projects, while doing my VA works. I don’t have to wanting to do it, I MUST do it. There’s no way I can get away from it.

Do I always want to do it? No. I want to watch TV, laying in bed, sleeping in, do whatever I want without looking at the clock all the time, and don’t have to worry about the messy house. But I can’t get away from it.

Not everybody knows the difference between responsibility and right. Some people only know how to get their rights. These people think that the world owe them. They would ask for your respect even though they don’t deserve it. They demand for our understanding when they don’t even care about us. They ask and ask without giving.

It takes maturity, wisdom, and humility to be a responsible person. It has nothing to do with age coz we can always find a 40 years old with the mind of a nine.

It is my responsibility to teach my children the importance of doing their obligations and responsibilities before asking for their rights.

They need to be aware when personal pleasure matters more to them than the needs of others. These self centered thing can lead them to damaging their selves and their future.

Needs hard work to teach a child but it’s nearly impossible to teach an adult.

Posted in Parenting, Thoughts

Teaching Leadership

My 11 years old boy was ‘complaining’ about his friends that are always appointing him to be a leader in class projects or if there’s any sort of class competition.

When he said that, I was in awe. Proud of my boy and kinda ashamed with myself coz I always complain about him being so busy with class projects as if he’s working alone.

I stopped for a moment before I can respond to him. I was thinking what will be the best answer for that. I don’t want to say something that I can’t even do it myself.

I let him talk for a while and I asked him some more questions about how he feels so I myself can arrange my respond 😁

Then I told him to embrace every opportunity given to him. For him to learn as much as he can. There will be times (a lot of times) that our hard works are being underrated and unappreciated, but whatever the outcome is, there will ALWAYS be something to learn from. ALWAYS.

Being a leader is not easy. It takes responsibility to accomplish the goals in producing the best result with hard works. It needs good communication skills so he can delegate the works. It takes courage and humility to accept failures. It is a big job for us adults, let alone teens.

I told him to see everything as a learning process. A journey to maturity. A road that he can’t escape. The only way to get through it is taking it step by step with great attitude that will lead him to be a success mature man.

The journey will not be a smooth silky road but it worth every bump. I need to prepare him for heartache, rejection, humiliation, disappointment, and lost. While I’m teaching him how to appreciate and embrace the joy and the luxury of being a child.

Parenting style 10 years ago was definitely different with the style right now in the millennial. Kids are more aware of their self titled and more aggressive in showing off their existence. Yet with the exposure of internet, kids are now more fragile.

Parents are now getting challenged to keep up while upgrading their patience level. One thing for sure, kids see us. They adore us. They will do what we do. We are their idol. They want to be like us. So… Be a model.

There’s no better way to teach a child other than being an example.

Posted in Adulting, Budgeting, Christianity, Parenting, Thoughts

Changing The Family Tree

I was buying a bottle of Coke at a shop near our church on Sunday. I gave him one IDR 100.000 ($7) note and he asked me if I have smaller note, I said no. Then he started saying that he hears that all the time, that people are saying they don’t have smaller notes so they can sort of change their bigger note into smaller ones.

I said, I’m not lying. I only have that one piece of note with me, that’s my budget for 2 weeks. I don’t have cash other than that one note. Then he asked me, what if a relative came over and needed some money? I said, if I don’t have then I can’t give them right? He said, well you have to give them, no matter what and where you get the money from.

Wow… Easy man.

Then he said, if you limit (budget) your cash like that, then you’ll get bullied, everybody will talk behind your back and start stepping away from you. I told him, if we care too much with what everybody says about you, then you’ll be digging your own grave (well, I didn’t bluntly say that).

This is what happen with most Indonesian. We care too much with our images. We have to look good in front of other people. Budgeting is a strange term for us. And when we do budgeting, people will laugh at us. There’s still very little awareness of budgeting in our mindset.

In Indonesia, budgeting means stingy and cheapskate. It’s a bad reputation for us 🤣

My boys don’t get pocket money for school and they got laughed at school. Especially my teen boy, Abe. He’s in 7 grade and ALL of his friends have pocket money. Sometimes he asked me why he doesn’t get pocket money and I told him that he doesn’t need it. He bring lunch from home and our house is 5 minutes away from school. And he sure doesn’t want to get sick over some unhealthy food that people sell at school.

And while other kids are showing off their new expensive phones at school, Abe doesn’t bring his (hand down) phone to school. I tell you, there are so much pressure that kids are getting right now. If I don’t teach them about money as early as I can, the family tree of ‘being dumb with money’ is getting bigger and it’ll be harder to cut down.

I’m teaching them of being frugal (not cheapskate), wise (not stingy), and I want to them to see money as a gift from God for them to manage so they can lend and not borrow.

Me and hub is being raised as most Indonesian so we ourselves have a lot to learn. We made our mistakes and we need to make a stop at it. It’s never too late to change to be better coz we’re leaving a legacy to our boys. And it’s not the one that our parents left us with.

We are cutting the tree and grow a new healthier tree. Yes, it won’t be easy but God promise that we will sow what we reap.

Posted in Adulting, Challenge, Daily Prompt, Parenting, Thoughts, Writings

Breakthrough 

So…

I have this conversation with the moms at the kid’s school. Not even a 5 minutes conversation but it brought me deep.

We were talking about how stiff the teachers are. They’re so stuck in the text book. So whatever the kid’s answers it has to be the exact words with the text books. Text book is their life guidance. Outside of that… Wrong! 

They were talking so passionately on how wrong that is. That education shouldn’t be stuck with the text books coz life doesn’t defined by some text books. I agree with them. Tooooootally! 

Then…

Since I got the impression of they’re having the same vision as I do, I started to tell them about Al’s science exam. There’s one asking the kids to mention 3 plastic products in the bathroom. Al was mentioning Gayung (we Indonesian use some kind of a small bucket to bath, majority of Indonesian bath not shower).

Tooth brush and glass. 

The teacher didn’t give a full score coz apparently glass isn’t in the text book. I messaged the teacher and I took a picture of the kid’s bathroom sink that we always have a glass for each kids for them to brush their teeth. The teacher then give a full score. 

It happens a lot in education in Indonesia. How many times do we take bath in a day? Text book says, 2 times a day. My kids bath 3 times a day. Before school (morning), after school, before bed (evening). How about that? 

And the moms started to talk about Indonesian standard, how things are non negotiable coz we’re Indonesian. When it’s 2 times and it should be 2. And so on and so on. 

Apparently I was wrong thinking that they have the same vision as me. So, they still think text book is mandatory, but when it comes to their kids they should bend it a little but not to other kids. Oh well… 

Yes there’s a standard for everything. But some things or some people don’t go by standard. Text book is a standard or I would say the minimum standard. As long as it doesn’t go below standard or come off far way the lane, I would expect that it should be okay. If the teachers don’t understand the answer then ask the kids and let them explain the reason why they give such answers. Except for math of course, this can also be bend by some geniuses. Not me. So I’m not gonna talk about it.

This is why Indonesian are so ‘slow’ in a way of mental development. We don’t get to reason out with the teachers and have our own answers, our own logics, our own minds. We have to memorize the text books and stick to it, spending hours of hours trying to put those words into our brain without understanding the meaning. Without really knowing what the subject is. 

This is why, after school, we Indonesian tend to follow the line. The same line as of millions of other Indonesian. We are not used to go outside the line. To think outside the box. We don’t get to understand that there are millions of other opportunities outside the line, outside the ordinary, outside the box. Coz we are taught to stay in the box. Where people from other countries are crawling up, eager to reach the top  and take the leap to see what’s on the other side. Living the challenge. 

Indonesian are so scared to let their mind do wonders coz they’re so afraid of being ‘wrong’, to be the outcast. We are taught to stay and aware of our ‘weaknesses’ and do nothing about it, coz that’s what the society expect you to do. Coz that’s what Indonesian do. 

I’m not talking about rebellion. I’m talking about breaking through. 

Indonesian students are so afraid to ask or say an opinion to the teachers if they don’t understand or wanted to express their thought toward something they were learning about. Coz that’s not normal. When you ask, you will look like an idiot. When you try to express a thought, you will be considered rude. There are no two way conversations in the class. 

Look at the most famous man breaking through the ordinary. Shakespeare, Bill Gates, Bach, Picasso, Steve Jobs, Stephen Hawking, etc. They are all breaking the standards. 

And me? I’m Indonesian. I am what I’m talking about. I am soooooooo guilty of not giving my kids to express their thought coz I will take that as a rebellion. They should do what I say, exactly how I wanted them to do, and they shouldn’t say a word. I am fully aware of the molding in my mental and I’m working very hard on it. 

It’s not what I want my kids to be so I need to set myself as an example. They need a model. They need someone to teach them how to break through. How to lead and not follow. To encourage them to face the challenge instead of running away from it. I want them to crawl out. I want them to wonder away from our ‘standard’. 

It is hard. I know. I’ve lived it. How I broke everything my family set me to be. How I run towards the challenge. Coz I set myself above the standard. Aside from what my situation is right now, I stepped outside the box, and it was the best decision of life. 

What you are is what you choose to be. So if you’re in a state of something ‘bad’ it’s purely because of your ‘bad’ decisions. For you to know, it is not permanent. Start making better decisions and you will see that things are going your way. Nothing is too late. 

Posted in Adulting, Christianity, Daily Prompt, Parenting, Thoughts, Writings

Woman Power

I pray for all the single mothers that you stay in faith and surrender to God. Give your children in His hands and believe that you’re not alone. God will work with you hand in hand.

Keep your head high coz there’s nothing to be ashamed of. You are doing everything you can to give whatever the children’s needs.

People may buzz but they don’t live your life. You are doing what’s best for the children and for you. They might think and say whatever they’d like, and whatever you do, they’ll keep finding a topic of this week.

Talk is cheap. It really does. But walking limbs, wounded, yet still have to fight to survive is a good price to pay. Believe that God will pay for every tears you shed.

Keep doing what’s right. You might feel lonely and overwhelmed, nobody to share with, to at least give your mind at peace. But God is with you. He is walking right beside you. And He will carry you when you’re tired.

I pray for you who is struggling with your marriage that God will give you what’s best.

It may not be as you wanted but believe that God plans every single details of your life. Even the shaky marriage.

The marriage you’ve been dreaming of since you’re just a little baby girl turns into nightmare. It may seems that nothing goes your way and all you feel is pain. Believe that God sees all and He is a loving father who will protect you from breaking.

You may stand in the junction without knowing where to go. Afraid of taking yet another wrong choices. Another decision. Another risk to take.

With the children involved, nothing seems to be the right choice. Do I think the children will be happier without their father? Do I think the arguing and the fighting can really bring any good to the children?

A lot of questions with no right answers. A lot of doubts. A lot of teary nights. A lot happens.

This is the right time to stay in touch with God. Ask for His guidance. No guarantee that you’ll see instant results, but as long as you stay in faith, I believe there’s nothing He can’t do for your happiness.

I don’t have the most amazing marriage. I don’t have great marriages in my family. I see broken hearted children. I see me.

As much as I wanted the best for my children, I don’t control other people’s minds. Two personalities with different background, education, environment, and two different brains become one, really need some hard work to do. And A LOT OF LOVE.

These messed up threads really messing up with our life. Please remember, DO NOT put other people’s lives into your account. They may seem to have a perfect life you’ve been dreaming of, but trust me, they are struggling a different battle to us.

Keep doing what’s right even if you’re not acknowledged. Have faith that God knows EVERYTHING. Pray for the best. Surrender to Him.

Posted in Adulting, Christianity, Daily Prompt, Parenting, Thoughts, Writings

The Art Of “BUT” In Motherhood

Hey kiddos…

I know that you have the right to play and watch TV and internet and whatever it is that makes you feel good BUT… Please do your homework, do your chores, and your other responsibilities first.

I know that you want to eat all the junkiest food you ever see on TV commercial or coz your friends eat them and you tasted it and you liked it. I will give you every once in a while (when I’m in good mood and have the budget for it) BUT… Please eat your vegetables, fruits, and whatever it is I served on the table for your meals.

I know that you need your coolness in front of your friends and the girl you like, so you need to exist in the social media and talk the same language as them. Well, I made you the Instagram account and WhatsApp to ‘connect’ with them BUT… Please understand that you’re doing all those social thingy on my phone and I control when and with whom you ‘connect’.

I know and I believe that you can do whatever you want in life. Be whoever you want to be. A successful rich people who knows how to conquer the world. BUT… Please remember that all those don’t come easy. All those ‘glorious’ things in life don’t just fall from the sky for you. You need to work hard, have the character, and the right attitude to achieve them. Laziness can only bring you nothing.

I know that money makes you happy. You can buy and do whatever you want with all the money you have BUT… Please keep in mind that God owns it all. Every single penny you have, God owns it. Stay humble and make “giving back” a part of your life. Coz God bless you for you to be able to bless others.

I know that I will not always be there for you BUT… Please remember that I will be looking at you from above and feel very proud of you.

I may not be leaving you with loads of treasures BUT I will try my hardest to prepare you for the life that God wants you to be. I will be leaving you with the legacy of gratitude, good character, discipline, work ethic, empathy, God’s children material, and the attitude of a good human.

I may not be the best mom in the world BUT I will do my best to be your mom.

We will change our family tree. Do know that I make mistakes BUT you will see those mistakes as the lesson you need to live your life.

I don’t promise that you wouldn’t do any mistakes BUT you will have the attitude of a winner that will have a positive response towards any turn downs.

Dream big. Do big. Be big.

Posted in Adulting, Daily Prompt, Hacks, Parenting, Product Review, Thoughts, What I Do

Teenager In The World Of Technology

This app is what I use to compromise with my teenage boy. He’s 12yo and (still) not allowed to have his own phone but he needs to ‘keep up’ with friends.

I totally understand. I’m old school and I don’t see the necessities of my boy having a phone. I send and pick him up to wherever and whatever activities he have, so he doesn’t need a phone.

He said he wanted an Instagram, I made him one. He said he wanted a WhatsApp, first he was using my account to connect with his friends, and I get that he was mocked at school for chatting using mom’s account. So, I seek for solutions, a win win solutions.

I found this app that allows me to have multiple accounts in one phone. Great!!! So now he has his own WhatsApp under his own name, joining groups, chatting with friends, in my control.

Call me overprotective, but man, teens will shocked you with what they chat about. Shocked! Language wise and content wise.

By having control over my boy’s social networking, I get to know his friends and matters he doesn’t share with me. I can directly guide him and teach him on adulting, by controlling his social networking.

Living in a world of Hi-Tech environment can either benefit your children or can be destroying. It’s our responsibility to teach them how to be a responsible adult, starting from their teens age.

For now I only use it for WhatsApp and Instagram, so have no further comment on other apps. But so far so good. Everybody is happy 👌

Posted in Daily Prompt, Parenting, Thoughts, What happened?

Numb

I’ve been dealing with the struggles inside my heart and my brain.

After so long being fatherless, months ago, he showed up. Well, we haven’t met in person, but he showed up to my mom. She did call me to meet up with him, but I refused. Not for holding a grudge against him, but I didn’t feel the necessity of meeting him. Not after all this time. And my brain immediately sense something was wrong.

He and Mom divorced looooooooong time ago when I was 2yo. Mom still took me to see him once in a while, even was staying near his house (he was living with his new wife and children). Maybe mom was thinking that it’s better for me to still be near my father. But being so closed to his house didn’t make any intimacy.

I have very little memories of my childhood. Very little. It’s like cuts here and there. But I do remember, till now, the part where I was having a dengue. My mom found me bleeding on the bed in the middle of the night. Found some blood in the bathroom (I puked blood). I bled through my nose, ears, mouth, and I puked blood.

I remember Mom carried me across the street, knocked his front door, asked him to help her took me to hospital. She handed me to him. He carried me and we’re waiting for some kind of transportation to get to me to hospital. Then I puked blood again on his jacket. He looked disgusted. Not worried. Disgusted. He handed me to mom and said he’ll get home and asked my mom to take me to hospital by herself.

Mom panicked. Now that I have my own children, I understand her feeling. She wouldn’t asked for his help if she’s stronger enough to face the possibilities of what would’ve happened to me. I could only imagine of her thinking that she could be dealing with a dead daughter in the next 5 minutes. She would want someone to be by her side when it happened. She chosen my father. Yet, he refused.

Long story short, I was in hospital for weeks and never once he came to visit me. Not as I remember. Thank God, mom didn’t have to deal with funeral. And life goes on. She still took me to see him once in a while. We still met at some family (his side) occasions.

In all those times we met, never once he mentioned about bringing me into his life. We were just having casual conversation, awkwardly. Saying hi and bye in such short amount of time. Never once that we had any father daughter moments. Never.

And now, he wanted to enter my life. Messaging me and never once I replied. From saying dreamy words about father and daughter relationship, his love for me, then blaming mom for separating me and him, saying that it’s not his idea for a divorce, then cursing mom, cursing me, blessing me, cursing my children, cursing my family, blessing my children, and on and on and on.

He kept saying that I misjudged him for being a miserable man begging me to take him. That he’s not asking any favors from me, he just wants to see me and being a part of my family, being a grandfather to my children. But I know better. I don’t judge him. But I know better.

Then… The revelation!

He messaged me that he is homeless now. No longer staying with his (I lost count) wife and children, coz they threw him out. Still I don’t give any response. He started cursing me again. No surprise. Not once he says sorry for what he did to me. Not once he feels sorry for not being there in my life. Not once. He kept blaming others. Blaming me for his miserable life.

What did I do wrong? I wasn’t even in his life, what wrong could I do to him? Financially, he wasn’t helping at all. Yes he was obligated to support me, he was a police officer, so there are rules for it. But it was tiny support. If my mom didn’t work hard, we would barely have food, let alone paying for my school tuitions, and college.

So yeah… I was fatherless. Am still fatherless.

Now he’s screaming to me that he’s my FATHER. That without him, I wouldn’t have even exist in this world. Oh wow! How a man can easily call himself a father over sperms. Pardon my language.

Being a mother myself, teach me what the word MOTHER means. It’s not only about the womb that carries a baby, not only about giving birth, not only about nauseousness of the pregnancy, not only about the boobs to breastfeed your babies. It’s about raising them. It’s all about the love and sacrifices for your children. It’s about putting yourself last. It’s no longer about you, it’s all about the children. Everything else comes last.

Don’t I forgive him? I do. I don’t have any particular hate feelings for him. I don’t think about payback. I pity him for being in this situation. I don’t keep a grudge against him. I just don’t have the feeling. The daughter feelings. The love. I feel numb for him.

When you don’t feel a thing, how can you response?

I know that God ask us to love our enemies.

But how I love him when he’s not an enemy? He’s no one. Well, other than the sperm part. He’s nobody.

But I don’t try to hurt him by not responding. I do pray for him. Not a specific pray, but I pray for the best. I do bless him by not cursing him. You can say I don’t do what I preach. But do so, what pleases you, I won’t judge you.

I don’t blame him for leaving me fatherless. Yes, it shaped my mentality out off course. I did make some stupid decisions and foolish mistakes. But who doesn’t? Even if you have a father or not, children makes mistakes. So, I don’t blame him.

Yes, it shaped my character. But who I am now is not the product of perfection nor brokenness. Who I am is my responsibility. I wouldn’t blame my parents for my misbehave and crimes. I’m a product of my choices. I take all responsibilities over my life. My good and bad. My mistakes and achievements. I am who I choose to be.

Of course as a parent, I have the responsibility to take care of my children. To take them to the right path. To give what’s best for them. But I don’t control their life. Once they become an adult, it’s their life. They’re choices.

The part of my fatherless life, it’s his choice.

Would I wanted it a different way? I don’t know. It’s been done. We’ll see what the future will brings. I don’t control the universe.

Posted in Adulting, Christianity, Daily Prompt, Parenting, Thoughts

Be Prepared!

Gardening really open my eyes on waiting. Some plants died on me, some are taking too long to bear fruits, some are confusing.

Gardening is just like me planting hopes. Hoping that from nothing, it come out something. Sometimes I don’t plant seeds but I regrowth. I plant from used vegetables, hoping for it to still come out useful.

I’m a strong believer that my every step is ordered by God. It’s not that I don’t have a choice, but I need to take every single steps in God’s direction, or I’ll be lost and have to start all over again.

My life is about preparation. I prepared myself for college since primary school. I knew what I wanted, so I worked hard on it. I knew that I wanted to take English for college not because I had the highest score in school but because I love English so I became the only student with the highest English grade in school.

I tried to pursue my passion in highschool but the circumstances were not supportive. But the fire was still burning, even after 3 years in primary and 3 years in highschool, I finally gotten into University taking English Literature.

I got what I wanted and I didn’t stop there. Even after college, I pursue my career with the same faith and the same strong attitude. My career wasn’t built in coincidences. Working in a bank, in oil field company, in a hotel, being a secretary, an office manager, was not a coincidence. Didn’t have anything to do with luck.

God had all lined up for me. Every single steps, every single person I met, every opportunities, God planned all for me.

All I had to do was preparing myself to be ready for His plans. I disciplined myself, I built my character, I trained my faith, I shaped my mentality. Not that I was in any kind of a perfect human that God granted me His blessings, but because I was prepared.

I didn’t have anybody to look up to. I didn’t have a role model. I was so far drowned in my mental sickness. I didn’t ‘know’ God. I went to church but I didn’t understand God. I started all of my self-gratification out of disappoinments.

But God didn’t leave me. I may not understood, but I know deep inside that God loves me. He will take me to where I belong. Yes, I did make foolish mistakes and stupid decisions, but still He didn’t leave me. I survived the chaotic chapter of my life and became a discipline, strong-willed, faithful girl in the middle of nowhere, fighting and living alone far away from any of my relatives.

I know how important it is to be prepared. I know how important discipline, good characters, having faith in God, to our life. Any life. That’s why I’m so determined to teach the children to be prepared. I have the responsibility to prepare them. To nurture their seeds. I need to prepare them for what God has planned for them.

Yes it is soooooooo hard to do it alone. When you’re not in the same page with your spouse, the learning process seems to be harder and harder, every single day.

One need to realize how important self-discipline and strong characters are for one’s life, and really need to actually implement it in their life, to be able to teach one.

If God wanted to take you to a higher level, it’s going to require more character, more discipline, and more commitment. A good father may have a good gift for their children, but he won’t give it at the wrong time. If you’re not ready, he’ll withhold it. Coz a gift wouldn’t be a blessing if you’re not prepared for it.

I have a plan to give a phone for my teenage boy, he has been begging for a very long time, but I won’t give it to him yet. I need to prepare him for it. I wouldn’t want him to lost control in using internet, watching what he’s not supposed to be watching, talking what he’s not supposed to be talking, doing what he’s not supposed to be doing. He needs to prepare himself and be a responsible person before he can handle a phone. He needs to know what it means to be responsible. He could’ve left the phone somewhere and lose it, coz he doesn’t understand how to value something he own.

Seems like a very frustrating process just to own a phone right? Maybe yes, maybe not. But I love him too much to let him lost in his wants without preparing him to be ready for when he got what he wants. Coz if I do, I’ll be the one to blame for his misbehave and bad mentality.

It is just like us. We feel that what we’ve been praying seems not getting any closer but giving us more headache and frustration, going through too many sadness and troubles. You know what, we’re not the only who’s waiting. God is waiting for us to get ready. We will have to wait, be patience, keep doing the right thing, keep growing, keep being good to people, keep building our character, and strengthen our faith.

Our time is coming. Prepare ourselves. You can’t expect anything good happen when you’re idling around like some brainless zombies. How anyone would have anything to do with you and give you any opportunities, when you’re not even nice to other people? Why anybody helps you when you don’t even bother to help them when they’re in need?

Don’t wait to be good when you’re in good situation. Don’t wait on having a job to get up early. Don’t wait on having money to be smart in handling money. Don’t wait till anything good happen for you to be good.

Be good, be prepared, be disciplined, NOW!

Show God that we’re ready for Him to fulfilled His promises!