Posted in Adulting, Daily Prompt, Thoughts, Writings

The cycle 

There will be time for flowers to bloom. 

There will be time for them to fall. 

And the cycle will continues as long as they live. 

There’s a cycle for us living things on earth. 

We move in a circle of life. 

Some makes you nauseas, some makes you giggle, some makes you overwhelm. 

We are what our action is. 

People can’t see your root yet they judge your tree. 

Our choices set the cycle. 

How do you want your cycle would be? 

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Posted in Adulting, Challenge, Daily Prompt, Parenting, Thoughts, Writings

Breakthrough 

So…

I have this conversation with the moms at the kid’s school. Not even a 5 minutes conversation but it brought me deep.

We were talking about how stiff the teachers are. They’re so stuck in the text book. So whatever the kid’s answers it has to be the exact words with the text books. Text book is their life guidance. Outside of that… Wrong! 

They were talking so passionately on how wrong that is. That education shouldn’t be stuck with the text books coz life doesn’t defined by some text books. I agree with them. Tooooootally! 

Then…

Since I got the impression of they’re having the same vision as I do, I started to tell them about Al’s science exam. There’s one asking the kids to mention 3 plastic products in the bathroom. Al was mentioning Gayung (we Indonesian use some kind of a small bucket to bath, majority of Indonesian bath not shower).

Tooth brush and glass. 

The teacher didn’t give a full score coz apparently glass isn’t in the text book. I messaged the teacher and I took a picture of the kid’s bathroom sink that we always have a glass for each kids for them to brush their teeth. The teacher then give a full score. 

It happens a lot in education in Indonesia. How many times do we take bath in a day? Text book says, 2 times a day. My kids bath 3 times a day. Before school (morning), after school, before bed (evening). How about that? 

And the moms started to talk about Indonesian standard, how things are non negotiable coz we’re Indonesian. When it’s 2 times and it should be 2. And so on and so on. 

Apparently I was wrong thinking that they have the same vision as me. So, they still think text book is mandatory, but when it comes to their kids they should bend it a little but not to other kids. Oh well… 

Yes there’s a standard for everything. But some things or some people don’t go by standard. Text book is a standard or I would say the minimum standard. As long as it doesn’t go below standard or come off far way the lane, I would expect that it should be okay. If the teachers don’t understand the answer then ask the kids and let them explain the reason why they give such answers. Except for math of course, this can also be bend by some geniuses. Not me. So I’m not gonna talk about it.

This is why Indonesian are so ‘slow’ in a way of mental development. We don’t get to reason out with the teachers and have our own answers, our own logics, our own minds. We have to memorize the text books and stick to it, spending hours of hours trying to put those words into our brain without understanding the meaning. Without really knowing what the subject is. 

This is why, after school, we Indonesian tend to follow the line. The same line as of millions of other Indonesian. We are not used to go outside the line. To think outside the box. We don’t get to understand that there are millions of other opportunities outside the line, outside the ordinary, outside the box. Coz we are taught to stay in the box. Where people from other countries are crawling up, eager to reach the top  and take the leap to see what’s on the other side. Living the challenge. 

Indonesian are so scared to let their mind do wonders coz they’re so afraid of being ‘wrong’, to be the outcast. We are taught to stay and aware of our ‘weaknesses’ and do nothing about it, coz that’s what the society expect you to do. Coz that’s what Indonesian do. 

I’m not talking about rebellion. I’m talking about breaking through. 

Indonesian students are so afraid to ask or say an opinion to the teachers if they don’t understand or wanted to express their thought toward something they were learning about. Coz that’s not normal. When you ask, you will look like an idiot. When you try to express a thought, you will be considered rude. There are no two way conversations in the class. 

Look at the most famous man breaking through the ordinary. Shakespeare, Bill Gates, Bach, Picasso, Steve Jobs, Stephen Hawking, etc. They are all breaking the standards. 

And me? I’m Indonesian. I am what I’m talking about. I am soooooooo guilty of not giving my kids to express their thought coz I will take that as a rebellion. They should do what I say, exactly how I wanted them to do, and they shouldn’t say a word. I am fully aware of the molding in my mental and I’m working very hard on it. 

It’s not what I want my kids to be so I need to set myself as an example. They need a model. They need someone to teach them how to break through. How to lead and not follow. To encourage them to face the challenge instead of running away from it. I want them to crawl out. I want them to wonder away from our ‘standard’. 

It is hard. I know. I’ve lived it. How I broke everything my family set me to be. How I run towards the challenge. Coz I set myself above the standard. Aside from what my situation is right now, I stepped outside the box, and it was the best decision of life. 

What you are is what you choose to be. So if you’re in a state of something ‘bad’ it’s purely because of your ‘bad’ decisions. For you to know, it is not permanent. Start making better decisions and you will see that things are going your way. Nothing is too late. 

Posted in Adulting, Budgeting, Challenge, Daily Prompt, Hacks, How To, Thoughts, What happened?, What I Do

DAY 2 – Food Budget Challenge 

DAY 2 – 13 November 2017

It is now day 2 and I’m shopping. I went to wet market to buy my fish and chicken. 

3kg of chicken for IDR98K – $7.23 and 3 kg of fish for IDR78K – $5.75

Not gonna show you what’s inside though. They’re pretty gross 😷

I usually buy my produce from a street shop near the kid’s school but today I went with my guts to buy at the wet market. 

And I was making a good decision coz I only paid IDR63K – $4.65 for all of those produce. If I bought from the street shop, I know I would’ve spent at least $10. Crazy what this hard situation teach you. It teaches you to go beyond your comfort zone. To push you to do the extraordinary. 

I know that I don’t have anymore budget for fruit but I have to stock on fruits coz my kids need fruits. So I bought a papaya for IDR15K – $1.11.

And my rice box is empty 😥 I thought I could’ve more money to spend on something else but then I need to stock on rice. Indonesian don’t eat without rice. So ya, I bought 10kg of rice and I have an amazing aunt that give me an extra 10kg for free. Thank you aunty… God bless you 😇

10kg will feed us for about a week and thanks to aunty we will have enough supply for about 2 weeks ✌ And the rice will stretch for more days coz my cousin just gave us dog food. My dog also eat rice but since now we have dog food. We will have enough supply of rice 😁. I’m so grateful for families that always support and help me in hard times. 

Today I fry fish and make spinach soup with corn.

I only have enough fish for hub and the kids. I don’t normally eat the fish or the chicken. If I’m lucky, the kids will have some leftovers for me. They usually still have something left for me to eat. Or I’ll just eat rice and whatever veggies I cook that day. 

Well… This is for today. We’ll see what I cook tomorrow. I’m thinking of buying eggs with the money left in the budget. 

Please hit the ‘follow’ button if you haven’t already so you don’t miss my journey. And follow my Instagram account @dessysdays for more updates. 

Posted in Adulting, Budgeting, Challenge, Christianity, Daily Prompt, Thoughts, Writings

You’re an embarrassment!

“You’re an embarrassment!”

Have you ever heard that pointed at you? Me. A million times. Being an Indonesian, I need to look ‘perfect’. I don’t talk about my difficulties, my sadness, my problems, my insecurities, my honesty. As long as they’re bad, I’m not allowed to talk about it. That triggered me to suicide long time ago. 

I need to look good all the time so I won’t be an embarrassment. I need to put on weight or people will think that my parents don’t feed me enough. I need to put on good clothes or people will think that my parents can’t afford to buy me clothes. I need to be like this or like that, so I don’t embarrass my family. 

I like to share. My happiness or even my sorrow. People have no problem with you sharing your new car, your big house, your new expensive phone, as long as it makes you look good. Maybe that’s why most of the people spend more money to look good when they’re actually is broke. 

But then they’ll look at you like **** (whatever) when you share that you’re broke. They started to talk about you. How you’re such an embarrassment for telling people about your problems. Being honest is now an embarrassment. I see. 

I know that some my (Indonesian) friends are stalking on my Instagram account. They have their pride for not following my account but yet they stalk on me. Hello there! 

I am now challenging myself on a very little budget on food this month. And I’m sharing my journey with the world. And I know they’re now talking about me. Am I an embarrassment? I don’t think so. 

Why the heck do I want to share my embarrassing life? You know what… I’m not the only one who’s struggling financially. If at least I can help 1 person anywhere in the world, to tell them that they’re not fighting alone, that they have to keep the spirit high and not being defeated by they’re lacking, I’m happy. 

Sometimes feeling lonely can really bring you down. It actually not as bad as they thought if they can talk to someone else that can give them a better view of any chaos they are in right now. Sometimes we need someone else to tell us that we are okay. That there’s hope in anything. 

This is what I am into with whatever I am sharing with you now. Not to embarrass anybody. Not to embarrass my family. Not embarrass myself. This is me telling you, that we can work it out. That our situation right now is not permanent. This is just another level of our life that we have to get through. And we have to get through so that we know there’s a brighter future ahead of us. We can’t stop here. We have to move on with whatever left in us. 

Me having so little money to feed my kids may have made you grateful coz you’re having more than me. It makes you feel good that you’re not bad at all. Or maybe you’re like me, so let’s walk the journey together. Let’s make it work. 

If then me or you have some extra money to add on the budget, that’s great. That’s the proof of God’s promise that He will provide. And we can share the good news to the world. That God is a loving Father that WILL NOT leave His children abandoned. God can give you anything you need. Let alone your daily meal. 

So am I an embarrassment? I think not. You may have a different say about me but I’m sharing God’s greatness to the world that even in my lacking, God is loving me. God is taking care of me. That I am doing this as me presenting my gratitude to Him for providing my needs. 

And He will provide you too. 

Posted in Budgeting, Daily Prompt, How To, What I Do, What I Eat

Day 1 – November Food Budget Challenge 

It is day 1! 12 November 2017
I open my fridge and here’s what I got. 

1kg of potatoes, carrots, chicken breast bone (yes only bone. I have about 5 breast bones in the freezer), mushrooms, chili padi. 

And 4 pieces of anchovy (ikan asin dendeng). 

So let’s see what I turn these into.

Chicken soup. 

Sauteed mushrooms with chili padi and lots of garlic.

Potato frittata. I use our last 2 eggs for this.

So, today zero spend. 

It’s Sunday and it’s my stay at home day. The house is in chaos coz I’m still not in my best self. This flu is killing me. It hurts my head, my ears, and my gum. 

Today I’m gonna stay at home, cleaning, and prep for Monday. 

Posted in Adulting, Budgeting, Daily Prompt, Hacks, How To, Thoughts

What to budget when you hardly have an income?

It’s my question for so long. Years. 

When we’re making money, budgeting was out of mind out of sight. When we’re broke, I wanted to start budgeting. Well, I always wanted to start budgeting and always failed. 

Now, what to budget when I hardly have an income? Hmmm… 

When you make so little money, suddenly those bills are so painful. When you make so little money, those little money just went by and then what’s the point of budgeting?

I’ve tried envelopes cash system. I’ve tried no spend week. I’ve tried budgeting for tithing and savings. I’ve tried following Dave Ramsey baby steps. I’ve tried cutting here and there. I’ve tried many tries with very little money. And it’s haaaaaaaaaaaaaard! 

I don’t know when my paycheck is coming in. I don’t know the amount of it when it’s eventually coming in. And when it comes, my bills are all overdue and my fridge is empty. So when it’s payday, it’s also paying day. On top of it, things happen and suddenly everything seems to be broken and needed to be fixed. 

Some months I’m able to budget for tithing but it’ll end up with buying food. Some months I’m able to save but not for long coz something needs some extra money. Some months I don’t even have any money left to budget for food. 

What’s the point of budgeting??? 

Well… I know I have very little money to work on and it’s a headache to work with. But with budgeting I am the boss. I tell my money where to go. I write down every bills I have to pay (again all overdue, well at least I paid), I pay the most urgent bills (the kids school tuition) and electricity. And I work with the leftovers, of course for food. My kids need to eat. Everything else comes later. 

Later means I have to work my ass off to earn some extra money. Literally forcing my brain and body to work extra. 

So, little money or big money, you need to budget. Write down everything. I use paper and excel on my phone. Try your best to post everything in the budget. Pay your priority bills and food, the minimum. Everything else, work harder. Do your part and God will provide. 

Posted in Adulting, Daily Prompt, Thoughts, What happened?

Is extended warranty really worthed?

Almost every electronic that I own bought from an Electronic Solution or Electronic City. Pricing is a little higher than a small electronic shop, outside the mall, I mean like the shop we can find across the street. But I find it comfortable to buy from the mall, safer if I should say. 

I don’t feel like they’re going to cheat on me. I know where to go when I have something to ask or if anything wrong with my purchase. I’m pretty sure I got the electronic from the original company or factory. 

I know that I could’ve bought some randomly ‘failed’ products but again, I know where to go when that happen. But when you purchase from the street shop, I know they’re not gonna care and just pingpong us here and there. 

And more amazing things from buying it at the mall is they have extended warranty. It’s not a must from them. They’ll offer us everything we purchase from them. The amount is dependingon your purchase. But it’s pretty cheap. It’s like IDR400k for 4 years of extended warranty. Amazing. And I always buy the extended warranty.  Always.

And now this happens to us. 

We bought 3 Sharp Plasmacluster AC from a street shop coz my hub wanted to find a cheaper price. We bought on July 2016 and since our new house wasn’t ready yet, we installed them on December 2016. 

Now it’s November 2017 and one AC in the boy’s room is screwed. I think it got struck by a lightening. It was one stormy day and my youngest saw a weird lights on the AC. I tried to plugged out the cable and plugged in again, not working. 

So hub called the shop and said that their guy is going to look at it. He was hoping that the warranty is effective on December, the month that we installed it. But it doesn’t work that way. The warranty is effective on the date of purchase. So we’re out of warranty. Dang. 

Today the technician came and I have to pay more than IDR600k to get it fixed. Dang. Wish that we bought it from the mall and we won’t have this headache. 

So is extended warranty worthed? ABSOLUTELY.  

I have this good experience on the extended warranty. I bought a Toshiba TV from Electronic Solution and it was also struck by a lightening. I am not lightening bff. My TV is still broken after so many times got fixed. It’s a whole different story. But I don’t have to pay a dime for it to get fixed coz I paid for 4 years extended warranty. 

This AC. I have to wait for an extra money to get it fixed. Do you find it weird that whenever you’re broke there’s always something broken needs to be fixed? I find it depressing though. Well… Gotta keep the spirit high. 

Lesson learned. Always buy electronics from the mall and always buy the extended warranty. Always. 

Posted in Adulting, Christianity, Daily Prompt, Thoughts, Writings

Stumbling 

There will be time when we’re in the darkness. Stuck. Nowhere to go. Afraid to move coz we can’t see anything. Scared of the possibilities. What if we fall deeper? What if we hurt ourselves? What if no one see us? What if no one help us? 

No matter how hard I’ve tried to stay as positive as I can. To hold on so tight to my faith. To keep reminding myself to stay grateful in whatever circumstances that I’m in. I too fall into the darkness sometimes. 

The times when I can’t seem to see any good in anything that I’ve been working on. Times when I feel overwhelmed and so tired to keep this going on any longer. Times when I just want to give up everything. Times when I no longer have the strength to move on. 

Everyday I try to keep myself focus. Focusing on what’s important. To keep moving. To keep my mind busy. So I will forget every problem that I’m in. I force my brain to work overtime, anytime, every time. Hoping that I’ll skip the dark and stay in the light. But there’s no day without the night. There’s no light without the dark. 

God never promise a rainbow without a storm. A life without a problem. I have to suck it all in, breath, adjust my eyes so I can see in the dark. I can’t run without falling, I can’t walk without taking a step. Walking in the dark is taking all my faith in God’s hands. 

I have to be patient. Taking every step. Trying to take “Walk by faith and not by sight” literally. I do feel some scratches on my skin for stumbling into the wall. I fell on my knees coz some rocks on my toes. I sweat and hardly breath. Have you ever try to breath in the darkness? Hard. It’s like you forget how to breath. The darkness suffocate you. 

In the darkness you feel lonely. But you can hear voices. The voices of all other people in the darkness with you. Would it help when we know that we’re not alone even of we can’t see them? I would say, yes. It scares me a little more but somehow it soothes me. It tells me that I’m not the only one struggling a way out of this darkness. It gives me hope that if we’re together in this, somehow we’ll make it through. 

What can they possibly do when they themselves are scared as hell like me? Well, at least we can talk. We can strengthen each other. Giving hope. I don’t know. But it seems nice. Not alone in the dark is a nice feeling. Right? 

It’s not that I wish for other people to jump in the dark and feel my struggle. But anyhow, we’re all struggle a different fight. When you feel overwhelmed and like crying the hell out of you, a nice feeling is all you need. 

Desperate likely said? Say whatever you want, we’re all in our own darkness. 

After sometimes struggling, scratching, crawling, you’ll come to your senses. Nothing will ever happened to you without His permission. Your scratches, your bleeding hearts, your painful legs, your numb brains, coz He wants you to come to Him. HIM ONLY. 

Search into Him. Find His words. He will guide you to the light. HIM ONLY IS ABLE TO DO THAT. It is a matter of time. It is only after He search deep into you that He’ll bring you up into the light. 

Look at ourselves. Please look deep. Coz what’s on the outside, He care less. Deep inside He will look. 

Posted in Adulting, Christianity, Daily Prompt, Thoughts, Writings

God’s Got This!

This morning is a gloomy day. The sky is dark and I was sundrying my laundry.

When I came back from sending the kids to school, mom asked me to take care of the laundry, move it somewhere else coz it’s going to rain. I said, it’s fine, it won’t rain.

I made my coffee and started Bible journaling. Then my mom called me again (about an hour or so), “It’s going to rain. Move the laundry!”. I stopped writing and looked out the window, it’s drizzling, very thin. I told my mom to not worry, it’s not going to rain. Then she got upset.

It’s windy and I can see the sun is peeping behind those dark clouds. I’m not a weather expertise, but I can see that it’s not going to rain.

My mom gets easily upset over anything. Even the smallest thing. Well, for me it was small but obviously it’s huge to her.

This happens to me sometimes, worrying too much about something, spending my energy and emotion over some little things. Without the understanding of what’s really going on, I got upset and worried.

As I got older, I realized that worrying about something I don’t really understand get in the way of my happiness. What is the result of being upset about something? I got anxious, discouraged, lost focus, not able to do anything right. Nothing is good about it. And it made me tired.

A lot of things happen without us understanding what was going on. Why this and that happens to us? What have I done wrong? What to eat? What to wear? How to pay the bills?

When I was living alone, away from my family, single, literally alone. I didn’t have all those feeling. The worrying, the upset, the anxiety, I had none of those and I was not really into church. Yet I was not worry at all about my life. I have full faith. A thousand percent faith that God was taking care of me. My life was just flowing and I enjoyed every bit of my success career.

Then I got married, have kids, and my mind was overwhelmed by all of “What if” moments. What if my baby got choked over a spinach? What if I can’t feed my kids? What if my marriage doesn’t work? What if I got divorce? What if… What if… What if…

I started to overthink everything, anything. We argued alot. We still do, but which couple don’t? I was fighting over my principle, defending myself, trying to prove that I was right. And obviously, my hub was thinking the same.

Different upbringing, different brain, different mindset, different personalities, living together trying to work things out, and it’s haaaaaaaaard.

It’s hard trying to stay focus on your blessings when people around you are giving all the negative attitude and messing with your mind. And it’s even harder when you’re attached to them for life hahahaha

Overtime, I grow up. I switch my thinking and change my perspective. I can not fight every battle. I can not keep trying to defend myself and proof that I am right. I just need to let go and let God.

Some of the battles got allowed in your life are not just about you. Sometimes it’s to make a statement to the people around you. You don’t have to argue, don’t need to proof anything, God will show them what they need to see. In His time. In His way.

When I change my attitude towards problem, I live in peace. When I know that nothing can happen without His permission, amazing things happen.

You’ll know when I’m trying to let go by seeing my reaction towards something. I am a chatty person. I love to talk. I can talk about anything for hours. But when I turn cold and speak less towards someone or something, that means I’m backing off. I put my hands off that thing and I’m letting God works on it.

It’s just not worth my time, not worth my peace, not worth my energy, to fight over something. It’ll just get me worked up and distracting me over some things that are more important.

When you’re facing some problems that seem to have a never ending process in your life. Bad finances, health issues, poor choices, or anything negative. Change your perspective. God controls the universe. Be still and know that He is God.

Posted in Adulting, Christianity, Daily Prompt, Thoughts, Writings

A Son Mentality

How many times we’ve been so caught up in our problems, thinking that we’re so unfortunate. Troubles seem to keep up with us. One thing after another.

Then we started thinking that God is leaving us. Coz we’ve done so many mistakes, made so many poor choices, like there’s nothing we can do that can make God happy with us.

There’s nothing we can do to turn the table around. Nothing goes your way. Nothing seems to be working fine. And we are stuck in our place. Forced to take what’s there for us.

Then you stop trying. Coz you think, this is where you belong. This poverty, this weaknesses, this addictions, this sicknesses, this limitations, all those things coz you deserve it.

I was all those things. I thought I was ugly, dumb, sick brainless little girl, thinking that I don’t deserve any goodness in my life coz I’ve been a rejected girl since the day my mom conceived me in her womb.

All those thinking put me in the slavery. I was a slave to my own thinking. I didn’t know God. I didn’t know that I am the daughter of most highest Father in heaven.

I turned myself to pills to help me sleep. Trying to shut down my whirling brain even just for a couple hours. I poured my heart to some shrink. Thinking that they could help me. Till the day I was having the thought of ending my own life.

That day, I made the choice to stop being a slave. I still didn’t know God. Yes I went to church, just because. But there’s something in me that brought me to some rebellion thought that I don’t want to be a part of my broken family.

I left my family. Living my own life. Having my own decisions. Alone. Struggling. And that was the best decision I’ve ever made in my life. I found myself wasn’t a slave. I am a smart pretty young girl that can do whatever I wanted to do. Be whatever I wanted to be.

Now that I know God, I become a stronger person, knowing that I deserve all the blessings and I inherited my Father’s treasures. No matter what I do wrong, as long as I come back to Him, He will still accept me for who I am.

I hate hate hate the slave mentality. I don’t like seeing others having the slave mentality. Thinking that they can only do what they do. Thinking that they are full of limitations. Thinking that they are lacking.

I hate people weeps at their troubles yet not doing anything to solve anything. “I don’t know what else I should do! I’m stuck! I’m hopeless!”.

You will be stuck and hopeless if you don’t do your part. You can’t get any good results on your health if you keep eating garbage. You can’t expect abundance if you don’t go out to work. You can’t see any opportunities if you limit yourself inside the house, meeting no one. You can’t have growth if you don’t do anything to nurture your seeds.

I am a strong believer that we can do ANYTHING. ANYTHING WE WANT TO DO. ANYTHING WE WANT TO BE.

Do you have the thinking that you are limited that you can not do certain things? That’s a slave mentality.

Stop pitying yourself. Stop weeping at your disadvantage. Start claiming for your inheritance. We are the son of God. We have everything we need to achieve everything we are destined to be.

There’s no father wants the worst for their children. We have the most loving, the most amazing, the most highest Father, that rules the whole universe.

God already paid the price. Jesus already sacrificed His life for us to live. Now we do our part. Be the son! Run boldly to claim your blessings.

Leave those slave suits. If you don’t see yourself in the right way, it will limit your blessings.

Don’t have a limited mindset. You have to give God permission to increase you. It starts in your thinking.

You have seeds of greatness. Don’t talk yourself out of it. You are not a slave to negative things. God love you too much to let you live in mediocrity. God is The Father who wants to give the best for His children.

Don’t see yourself too high in greatness that you don’t see the need for you to change. Be humble. Be a better person. Be the son.

God doesn’t count your past. He sees who you are right now. Who do you want Him to see? A slave or a son?