Posted in Adulting, Christianity, Daily Prompt, Thoughts, Writings

Glaring

I’m human. 

Going through many sufferings as you do. We walk a different kind of sufferings yet we’re the same. 

Pain seems to be glaring at us, waiting to get closer, reaching, impatiently approaching. 

Ever wonder why we’re still here? Sometimes on a better path, sometimes we find ourselves back to where we began, sometimes we feel stuck, going nowhere. 

Often times we thought that only death will end all of these pain. But we’re scared of the unsure guarantee in ending this suffocating broken world. 

I’m feeling the exhaustion of living the life of me. Don’t you too? Why after all this time, we still have the faith that we still have God’s mercy? Why suffer when God Himself promised us that He will take care of us? Why do we still hope? So many why’s… 

But because we human, have to be united in mind, sympathy, brotherly love, having a tender heart, and a humble mind. We treat each other as believers since unity and fellowship are going to be the glue that keep us together when time gets rough. 

What He promised, He will fullfil! 

Cast all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you. And after you have suffered a little while, God Himself will restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. 

When you feel the need to give up, trying to put a stop to all of your pain, surround yourself with people in faith, seek God. 

God is everywhere, covers everything in this world. You can find God in YouTube, Twitter, Instagram, blogs, everywhere. God creates all of this greatness of technology, didn’t He? Might as well use it for our good. For our mission in building His Kingdom in this world. 

Believe that what’s broken, already healed through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. Holding hands, we are the children of God, will live by God’s mercy, standing tall and unshakeable. 

Have faith, keep honoring God, stay grateful, know that you’re not alone. We’re in this together!

Posted in Adulting, Christianity, Daily Prompt, Thoughts

Shimmer 

I’m no angel.

Not trying to be a saint. 

I’m not rich.

Not trying to be a hero.

But my mind goes disturbed when I know someone needs help. I can’t go blind and deaf. I have to do something or I won’t be able to keep my mind straight. 

My brain hurts thinking a way to help. And it even hurt more when I still need to think about my own problem 😨 

Why do I have to put myself in such craziness like I’m not crazy enough trying to fix my own life? 

I have no idea. 

I know someone needs help with school. I can’t help much coz I myself incapable of fulfilling my kid’s school issues. But I can’t just ignore. I started texting my friends and family if they could help. I wasn’t expecting much but just pray for the best. 

And I have the most incredible friends and family. They helped! I’m so blessed that I’m surrounded by lovely people. 

Some of you might be thinking, why not asked them to help me? Why bother about someone else when I myself could use some help? 

I surrender myself to God. God knows what I need and He will provide. As that person needs help and pray to God, God answers through me and through my friends and family. What about my prayers? I have faith that God will provide through someone else. 

It’s the circle of life. It’s how we become a blessing to someone’s life. Believe that God will send help and fulfill His promise on His way. Forget about trying to fight the battle alone. God wants to be involved in your life. 

Have faith that everything you do, you’re doing it in the name of God. 

If we could be the shimmer in someone’s life… May our lives be lightened by God’s greatness. 

Posted in Adulting, Christianity, Daily Prompt, Thoughts

The Revelation

I’m torn between two edges of propositions. Afraid if I’m incapable of supplying the demands, the needs. It should’ve been easier if I’m fully in control, but I’m not. 

What’s the point of your existence when you don’t present? What’s all the words when you don’t act likewise? 

No one really care when me or my life are laying around in ruins. But the minute that I start to rebuild, the minute I start to make progress in my life, all of a sudden everybody got an opinion. 

Whenever I try and do good, I’ve always been faced with opposition, rejection, humiliation. My intention have always been sidetracked by negativity. No good whatsoever. 

Should I stop? Quit trying? Often times the answer is obvious. But that’s not what God wants me to do. 

In order to do the difficult and even controversial, we have to be willing to work with our weapon in hand. 

When hateful words are thrown our way, we can replace those words in our mind and heart with God’s truth. 

We protect ourselves with God’s words. 

Yes, it’s hard and need a lot of work. But I’ll keep my faith that God is holding my hands and fight this together. 

Till the time comes. The revelation. 

Posted in Adulting, Christianity, Daily Prompt, Thoughts

We can change! 

Often we find ourselves crying alone. No one seems to care. Everybody is busy with themselves. Everyone is struggling their own struggle that caring for others is the last thing in their mind. 

Why are they so careless? Don’t they have heart? They do. It’s just that they’re having the same issue with people I just described above. 

It’s a circle of life. Karma-like. Pay it forward schemes-like. 

Do you ever feel that your family and friends are staying away from you when you’re in disadvantage? Yet they’re all seem so eager to get close to you when you’re loaded? Yeah… 

I think it’s natural. If you really dig deep, you’ll find yourself had done it, on purpose or not. Still… We all have it. 

I find so many Christian beautifully covered in the word of God, yet their inside is as rotten as the devil’s heart. Coz we’re human. This might harsh, but yes, we’re human and we’re selfish. 

That is why we need to keep reminding ourselves, that we are way better than a selfish prick. We are willing to work on what’s God wants us to be. We are willing to change. 

We want to be the type of people who out of fear and reference for God, will live and lead with love and kindness and goodness towards every person we come across. 

It doesn’t have to be money matters, but if we just care and help with what we could give, the heart that matters. 

Posted in Adulting, Christianity, Daily Prompt, Parenting, Thoughts

The Temptation

I have some bitterness in my heart. Have to struggle with it every single day. Facing it every single second. 

So many times I want to give up to the temptation of anger. Just wanted to let everything out. Making a scene. Saying things that I’ve been keeping for so many years, for the sake of peace. 

The peace I’ve been trying to keep, starting to burst. The wall I’ve been trying to build, starting to crumble. The war between myself and the temptation to give up is something I can’t win by my own power. 

God is asking me to take care of the kids. I won’t be able to fulfill that if I surrender to the invitation of self satisfaction of breaking free. 

My hands are needed to work on God’s mission in my life. Even sometimes my hands are hurt, swelling, feels like resting. But I can’t stop. I need to go on. 

The work that God wants me to do, doesn’t have to stop just because temptation of giving up comes knocking over and over again. 

Freedom is something I’ve been wanting so desperately. But my children needs me more than anything else in this world. It’s the reason I exist. It’s why God created me in the first place. 

Though freedom can really really really bring happiness to my life again, the happiness of my children is the core essence of myself. 

I will continue to work while I battle coz “Now God, strengthen my hands”. 

Posted in Adulting, Christianity, Daily Prompt, Parenting, Thoughts

I’m JUST a stay at home mom! 

Last night at church, waiting for Abe on his teens ministry. He specifically asked me to change his tutor schedule so he can join the teens ministry. Who am I not to accommodate his ministry request? 

So I reschedule his tutor class. Sent him by my Mio. I intentionally not using our car so we can save on gas. 

The church is about 10km from our house and we were showered in rain coming home last night. I was soaked. But not Abe, coz I covered him well. Always give the best to our kids right 😊 

The church admin recognized me and we chat. She said that I am patient enough to send the kids to church. My church schedule is Monday for keyboard, Thursday for teens ministry, Saturday for drum, Sunday for church and drum, and twice a month for worshipper ministry. 

Not to mention the kids school schedule, extracurricular, sport, and tutor. Of course, those errands is not included in house chores. I was not this busy even when I was working plus I had extra income 😜 . 

So I should say, stay at home mom shouldn’t be taken lightly 😉 

Posted in Adulting, Christianity, Daily Prompt, Thoughts

Tithe or not tithe

Let me tell you something about myself. I am no way near an angel material. I am a sinner. I am still learning to be a Christian. Yes I was baptized in Catholic Church long time ago, but still not being baptized in Christian Church (it’s supposed to be different, right? We’ll get to baptism things in another post). 

Back to tithing. So, in Catholic we don’t get doctrines about tithing, or maybe I wasn’t paying attention if it was. When I started going to Christian Church, then I learned about tithing. 

Unlucky (or luckily?) I went to a very very tithing minded church. We were doctrine to give 10% of our income every month without fail to the church, “or else”. 

Almost every Sunday, every sermons, was about giving money to the church. Whatever the sermon was, whatever the verse was, it always comes to money. 

We were told that if we give 10%, God will give us back 100 times more (or sort of). We were told, that money comes from God (which is absolutely true), and we must give back to God (church). Or… God will reluctantly give us more money, in other words, losing jobs or being robbed or some other bad situations. 

Which was why we (my husband and I) keep moving in circles, looking for a ‘comfortable’ church. A church that won’t curse us if we don’t tithe. We practically running away like a chicken. Not that we don’t believe in loving others and giving, but we were scared of the ‘obligation’. 

Me, love giving and sharing. I donate or give help to family and friends, if I must write down numbers, will be more than 10% each month. But still, the idea of 10% tithing to the church gives me an awkward feelings. I was burdened. 

Then when I started my new business, I started tithing. Still in the mindset of God will give back what I tithe to the church or He will ‘curse’ my new business. It was such a misleading information. A total mistake of giving. 

I was having a principle of giving to whoever needs it, at any amount, at any foundation. As long as I give intentionally with all my heart. Coz what I do for others, I serve God. But my principle was stepped down by the doctrine. 

I was having a fight with myself. Brutal.

When I found Jon’s video about tithing. I was reluctant to watch it. I wasn’t sure what he’ll say. Will it support my principle or will it smack me in the face? I kept the video in my list for so long, been skipping it. And finally… The revelation! 

He and I have the same ground in terms of tithing. 

Let me tell you first how I manage my tithing coz I’ve been doing it even before I watched Jon’s video… I spare 10% of my income – from online shop, virtual assistant, and other stuff – for donations/charities (my kind of tithing). Put it in my envelope system and everytime I want to give or donate, I will take from that specific envelope. For a friend who’s in need, for our school security, to buy lunch for a cleaning service, or tips to the toilet attendant, etc. 10% is in my minimum budget, coz now we live bare minimum. 

Now that I watched Jon’s video, I understand more that giving with a joyful heart is more important than just a ‘push’ of 10% tithing to the church and burdened by it, but not caring and loving others. It’s like a hypocrite. And I hate hypocrites. I certainly don’t want to be one. 

God loves me. God wants me to act like Him. Loving and caring for others, like He love and care for me. No push, no punishment, no obligation, no ‘scarecrow’.

Everybody is different and I’m not trying to convert your beliefs into mine. I’m just stating what God wants me to do. This post is solely my opinion and mine only. You do what you believe and I’m not at any capacity to judge anybody. 

God bless you! 

Posted in Adulting, Christianity, Daily Prompt, Thoughts, Writings

I am the living proof! 

We Indonesian have so many secrets. We Indonesian are taught to keep our flaws in a dark place. Never share to anybody else, coz it’ll be an embarrassment. To you, your parents, your family. We don’t want to be the headline and make people turn their head and talking about us. 

We Indonesian are taught to always put on our masks. Stay on the stage, playing happy characters. And I spent my teenage years playing happy doll. I drowned myself in depression. Unable to talk to anybody, swallowing every bit of my mental sickness. 

Till I reached to the point of ending my life, not being afraid of dying, but scared that I’ll give an embarrassment to my mom and my family. Thinking that I was alone. Even death didn’t scare me. 

Now, thanks to God that we live in internet world. I am know in knowledge that I am not alone. I find a lot of people, similar as myself, sharing their life. Not Indonesian. 

I am coming out of my shell. Sharing what Indonesian find as a tabu, an embarrassment. I find myself being helped by people sharing their life and I want to be the blessing too. If even in the tiny lil bit part of your life, that I can give you any support you need, I am happy. 

You giving me your life, is a hero to me. You’ve been helping me. And I want to give back. If me, sharing my life could be a material for you to make fun of me and talk about me, I can’t stop you. 

I am not in control of how your mind works. But I am in full control of my mind. If God has giving me His blessings, I want to share to you. I am the living proof of God’s greatness. 

I want to show you, that you’re not alone. We are all in this together. Don’t get discouraged, coz I got your back, as you got mine. No matter how big your problem is, we have a bigger God. 

Posted in Adulting, Christianity, Daily Prompt, Parenting, Thoughts

Not a model

Sometimes I feel like a failure for unable to give the right model to my kids. How I wish I can be their mirror and see the best side of them. To encourage them to be what’s best. 

They might see me like a nagging mother, telling them what to do and not do. Reminding them to do their chores, homework, school assignments, to go to church, to Sunday school, to be kind, to be responsible, to be respectful, to be disciplined, to be grateful, to build good habits, to get rid any kind of laziness, and so many else, all the time, again and again. 

Many times, my mouth feels literally tired for ‘talking’. But I have to do it. I need to build their mentality, coz they don’t have a model. The model to shape their personalities. 

They need to be what men gotta be, how God wants them. I want one day, when I send my boys to build their own family, I can proudly see that he becomes the men of honor, the men of the house, the men that can be a model to their children, the men who respect the word of love, the men that understand the essence of marriage in the name of God. 

I’m just an ordinary mom, far away from any saint’s criteria, and not trying to be an angel. I’m just an ordinary mom, trying so hard to be a mother. How motherhood can brings out any ‘Wonder Woman’ side of us 😊 

Posted in Adulting, Christianity, Daily Prompt, Parenting, Thoughts

Should I be worry? 

My old self wouldn’t be thanking God for giving me this financial crisis, where I’m bearly afford anything. But you know what… I’m finding my new self in this ashes of crumbling life of mine. 

I thought that I wouldn’t survive another crash, couldn’t bear any more pain, couldn’t stay any longer and try to be tougher. I do. I am doing it. Not easy, it’s super hard, but I’m gonna do it. This too shall pass. 

My old self would be worrying about anything now, everything. I would be devastated for not being able to shop for clothes, to not sit in a restaurant with my friends eating expensive food, to not do anything I want that would surely cost me some money, to not go somewhere and have a nice vacation. 

Now, I’m in my 5th day on my ‘no spend’ week and I’m not dying, I’m still alive. I survive. 

Now, I see what’s more important in life. Not the clothes I wear, not the food I eat, not all the blinking sparkling life I tried to showed off to people. 

I know now, that God is more interested in the ministry I do while I’m wearing my clothes, even if its a cheap clothes. God is more concerned with what I’m gonna do with the energy the food gives me, even if its just ‘a low end’ kinda food. God is a lot more invested in what I’m going to do when I’m somewhere, even if I’m only going to school for my kids everyday and not spending time at the mall or vacationing at one part of Indonesia. 

Instead of worrying about unimportant things, I know that God has something better for me to do, besides worrying my life. I think I’m gonna maintain this lifestyle and I’m bringing my kids along with me in this journey 🙏