Do you notice how people are trying to make you say that you’re happy? Trying to make you see things to make you think that you’re happy? Trying to talk you out of the mess you’re having, that you’re still have so many things to be happy about, that you’re a happy happy happy person instead of the ‘f’ messy you’re life is?
I’m a mess. I’m a stressful person. I’m depressed. I’m a total failure in the pursue of happiness. I’m not happy!
I’ve been trying so hard to stay positive. To be very picky about what I see and hear. To only see the beauty in the ashes. To store motivational and inspirational videos in my YouTube lists as much as possible. To do anything just to make my happiness legitimate. Do you get me?
But I failed.
Just now, I was having a meltdown. It’s a holiday, no school day. I wanted it to be my happy day. Doing my routines and all. Without being so busy hustling time, struggling to manage everything and still have to send and pickup the boys to and from school. I’ve decided it’s my happy day.
I woke up late, brush my teeth, wash my face, and started my load of laundry, cooking, washing dishes, and so on. The children are playing games on the computer. Everything was fine. Then I asked them to turn off the computer and have their lunch. They decided to take their lunch to the living room to eat and watch TV.
It was then like a hit on my already *uckedup brain. I zapped. I started yelling and dumped it all to my kids. Ranting about them not being considerable maintaining the cleanliness of the house. Coz whenever they don’t eat on the dining table, crumbs are everywhere, and the floor will get so sticky. Started to rambling about how I should get back to work, wouldn’t care about their schooling schedules, wouldn’t care about the house works. They can go to school without me, I don’t care how. We will have a wreck house if nobody wants to do the job, I don’t care.
I wanted to scream so bad! I wanted to cry out loud! I wanted to say everything what I have been holding on so long in my chest! I wanted to be happy! Why is it so hard???
Instead, I sent them to their room to have their nap, without kissing them and say “good nap” as I always do. I started to search on ‘mommy motivation’ videos. I could have search, ‘mommy meltdown’ videos, but as I said, I’m trying to stay positive and being picky about what I hear and see. So I look for motivational videos on how to be a happy mom. I have a bunch on my list. Started my ironing work while watching the videos.
Trying to talk myself out into this positive vibes that I’m a happy person, a happy mom. I’m a good mom, even if I yell to my children. I’m beautiful, even if I have the most intense hair buns all the time. I’m gonna put a smile even if I’m a disappointed wife. I’m enough, even if I’m struggling through financial crisis.
You know what? *uck all that. It’s not motivational. It’s denial. The main problem on mental issues is to deny everything that is wrong with you.
You have problems. You makes mistakes. You are not perfect. You are a mess. You are *uckedup. You’re a failure. Accept that! Take that! Know that! Then take actions on that!!!
If you don’t acknowledge your issues, then how are you going to fix that? You can’t change others. You can’t change your spouse. You can’t ask this broken world to change for you. You can’t! YOU can only change YOU. What do YOU want? What’s YOUR problems? What are YOU going to do about it? YOU have to take the actions.
If you think that you’re happy that you’re not actually happy, then how are you going to be happy? If you think that you’re good that you still have so many things to improve on, then you’re gonna be one cocky person who thinks that no one is better than you. If you think that you’re enough that you’re still not fulfilling your responsibilities, then you’re gonna be a person who’s numb on what’s going on around you, thinking that you already done enough and you can rest all you want.
You know that you have to get out of the house to provide the family but you don’t, thinking that the family is okay, you’re in denial. You know that you need to kneel down before God but you don’t, thinking that God knows what you need, you’re in denial. You know that you have mental issues but you avoid anything that would’ve touched your issues, thinking that you’re good enough, you’re in denial. You know that you need to do more to be a better spouse but you keep your distance, thinking that you’re spouse would understand, you’re in denial. You know that you’re a jerk but insisted to see yourself as an angel, thinking that everyone else should praise you, you’re in deep *hit hahahaha. Gosh… You’re such a mess.
The truth are painful. Yet you can’t fix something without knowing the truth.
I’m not happy. I’m a mess. I have a brain without its straight thinking. I have mental issues. I have *uckedup relationships. I know that. What am I going to do about it?