Posted in Christianity, Thoughts, Writings

The Dark

I’m not alone yet feels​ lonely…

I’m back to where I was, hiding in the dark. Avoiding people. I don’t want to be where they are. I can’t stand their voices. Not able to bear the fullness. 

I’ve tried so hard to get out of the darkness I was in. Had my hope so high that me not being alone is the ending of my loneliness. Thinking that multiplication means laughter and joy. Wishing that more is good. 

I know now… 

More is bad. Multiplication is suffocating. Loneliness is permanent. Laughter and joy is a fantasy. 

Loneliness is when you’re​ different amongst all differentiation. A black in a white. A white in a black. Pulling you to join the crowd yet you don’t fit in. Drowning you. Suffocate you. Till you can hardly breath. Not even remembering​ how to breath. Forgetting how to survive. 

Where am I? 

I am where I was 30 years ago. In a room. Just me and my shadow. Listening to everybody else. Shutting my voice so I can avoid the pain. Holding my breath so I can stop the tears. Looking for a reason to stay alive. Years after years.

It is out of my understanding… 

How people can be so heartless yet saying words of love. How a soul can hurt another soul. How a mouth choose to cut. How negativity is a lifestyle. How caring is a way to cause pain. How human is not having humanity. How everyday is a new day for hurtful words. How everything is the reason to burst. 

I believe… 

I am loved. I am chosen. I am in the waiting list of happiness. I am blessed. I am in God’s hands. 

Am I tho… Am I? 

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Author:

An ordinary mom trying to do my bit of everything in the best way I could

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