Posted in Thoughts

I Have OCD?

What is OCD?

Obsessive-compulsive disorder is a mental illness. It’s made up of two parts: obsessions and compulsions. People may experience obsessions, compulsions, or both, and they cause a lot of distress.

Obsessions are unwanted and repetitive thoughts, urges, or images that don’t go away. They cause a lot of anxiety. For example, someone might worry about making people they love sick by bringing in germs. Obsessions can focus on anything. These obsessive thoughts can be uncomfortable. Obsessions aren’t thoughts that a person would normally focus on, and they are not about a person’s character. They are symptoms of an illness.

Compulsions are actions meant to reduce anxiety caused by obsessions. Compulsions may be behaviors like washing, cleaning, or ordering things in a certain way. Other actions are not obvious to others. For example, some people may count things or repeat phrases in their mind. Some people describe it as feeling like they have to do something until it feels ‘right.’ It’s important to understand that compulsions are a way to cope with obsessions. Someone who experiences OCD may experience distress if they can’t complete the compulsion.

People who experience OCD usually know that obsessions and compulsions don’t make sense, but they still feel like they can’t control them. Obsessions and compulsions can also change over time.

Many of us have small habits that make us feel better, but we can also live without them. For example, we might think of something as ‘lucky’ or have a routine that feels comforting. But for people who experience obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), these behaviors are much more intense and disruptive and are fueled by unwanted thoughts that don’t go away. Obsessive-compulsive disorder is not always easy to understand, but it’s a real illness that causes difficulties in a person’s life.

Source : Google

Based on the explanation above, do I have OCD? Yes. How do I know? I know me. Did you go to a psychiatric or what? No. Am I better now? Yes.

Let me get this out…

I started to realized the symptoms when I had my 1st child, Abe. At 1st I thought it was just because I love him too much, that I wanted it to be perfect. Wanted him to get the best. I was obsessed. How?

I made schedules for my nanny to follow it exactly how I told her to do. When to bath, when to eat, when to drink juice, when to have nap, when to watch TV, when to give milk. I gave her list of things to do with the exact timing. Then I will call her on each task from my office. Every single day. If 1 task was not delivered, I got upset, like its eating me inside. Kept thinking about it. What if something happen to my baby coz she didn’t do it?

Overtime, Abe got bigger. And I got worst. He was entering Elementary School and I sent him to his entering test. We live in an apartment across the school. We just have to cross the street and we’re at the school. We were crossing the street, it was just a small road, and I was terrified. I couldn’t sleep. I kept thinking, what if Abe got hit by a motorbike when he cross the street with the nanny? What if the nanny got late to pick him up and he cross the street by himself? What if he got kidnapped? The kidnapper would be easily gone coz the school just by the street. I got a lot of ‘what if’.

Then I decided to quit my job. My 1st intention was just send and pick him up for school. Then I got even worst. I made schedules for him. When to eat, when to bath, when to study, when to this, when to that. And if somehow the schedule was ruined, I got very upset, I got anxious, I got so stressed. I was like yelling at him (at everybody) all the time, do this, do that, don’t do this, don’t do that. I was like a Commander, always on a mission, always in urgency, and I want everybody to follow my orders or I got ugly. I was loud. I was a mess. I was a disaster to my family. I was a very annoying person in the family. I was mentally ill. I was exhausted. The worst part was, I already have my 2nd child. And I care less about him. Its not that I don’t love him. I was just not obsessed by him. Coz I think, Abe kinda filled up my mind already. My poor boys 😦

Then Abe got even bigger. We moved here. I was mentally unstable with my OCD and we were in a financial crash. My head was like exploding. With this OCD thing, when you let something in to your mind, it stays there, it will eat you alive. Either you got crazy or you just hang yourself to death. But, I got better here. We were like struggling, crawling, scratching, no days gone by without trying to ripped each other apart. But, like a miracle, I am better. Maybe bcoz somehow, someone need to be the reducer. You can’t fight fire with fire. You just need to calm yourself, do some thinking, some meditation, get some help if you can’t do it by yourself. Apparently, I was capable to do some therapy to myself. I can’t tell you what it was, not that I don’t wanna share, its just that I don’t know how to explain it.

I am calmer. I am less stress. I am less nagging. I am less complaining. I don’t get irritate easily. I am kinda easy going now. I still have schedules coz I think somehow a good life is about having good habits. It become a habit if you do it continuously and repetitiously. A habit is a routine of behavior that is repeated regularly and tends to occur subconsciously. Self discipline is a must. Just don’t get obsessed with it. Things happens in life. And when things do happen, you just need to let go, pick yourself up and realize that you are not in control of everything.

Why am I suddenly talking about having OCD? Coz I think I know where I got it from. I inherit it from my mom. Yup, my mom got OCD. I was not able to live with her more than a year or so, Chinese says that we are Ciong/Jiong, can’t stand each other company. But in my opinion, we’re 2 OCD people that gets irritated by each other’s OCD, if that make sense hahahahaha.

My mom is staying with us. And we really need to be extra patience with her. Luckily, I am better with my OCD. Coz I can imagine how we’re gonna hurt our throat by yelling on each other’s face trying to make things done by our ways. She doesn’t realize that she has OCD and I don’t think she knows what OCD is. She is me in the past. Get irritated easily by a toy in front of the TV coz the boys just played with it. Get upset if I do something in the opposite way of hers. Get hurt when the boys don’t listen to what she said. Get very impatient when she wants something. Get anxious to anything else that is not acceptable by her OCD mind 😥

Poor mom 😢

It is exhausting to live with OCD. And it is hard to live with an OCD. So… I just pray to have more patience than before. Pray that her OCD don’t affect me more than I can take. Coz truthfully, I already have so much to take.

I have to keep my peace so that I can bring peace to each member of my family 😇

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An ordinary mom trying to do my bit of everything in the best way I could

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